One, two, three...what are we running for?

HEAT LAMP! Last Monday night I elected to watch SpongeBob with 3-year-old Mikey nestled lovingly on my lap. I decided to forgo the nonadvertised, karoke-compliant forum inside Cape’s Little Theater as select Cape administrators and school board members on stage faced questions from interested (and not very happy) persons in the interactive gallery of, “How could you turn in your own school for noncompliance with an awkwardly worded rule that resulted in two years of basketball forfeits?”

What is up with that?

I’ve resourced various lawyers on this issue (not all are in agreement) and have reached the conclusion that the first sentence of the Delaware Interscholastic Athletic Association (DIAA) Rule 2.2.1. is pretty clear. The rule states: “A student must be living with his/her custodial parent(s), legal guardian(s) or Relative Caregiver in the attendance zone of the school where he or she attends.”

The document on file was ruled by the DIAA board of directors and its legal counsel as not satisfying the state requirement for legal guardianship because, in all likelihood, it does not. Anyone wishing to shine the heat lamp of reflective blame can “start from jump,” as they say in basketball. This thing was never wired up properly and all involved on all sides of what I previously called a “convoluted mess of good intentions” share blame - if that is what we are looking for. But wait, it’s a remedy “we” seek. A remedy to a rule which was self-reported to the DIAA board which includes 20 voting members, including Dr. George Stone, a Sussex County board representative and Dr. Jeffrey Hawtof of Lewes as a public member.

Rule 3.1 Conflict of Interest reads, in part, “Any board member shall recuse himself or herself from consideration of the matter and shall not vote.”

It is wrong to depict DIAA as a far-removed, inaccessible state governmental body that railroads members and enjoys dispensing penalties. And all DIAA scheduled meetings are open.

This has now moved into legally tricky territory and confidentiality for all concerned. I believe you can’t appeal a ruling based on an entirely new and previously not introduced argument but I feel like Lou Costello trying to figure the riddle of “Who’s on first?”

Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow’s pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I’m gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Abbott: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.

Costello: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!

Neither do I, Lou.

RUNNERS WORLD - I never forgot what I read in a magazine back in 1978. “When the heat and humidity add up to over 160 don’t run, train or race.”

This weekend a combined 800 runners - most of them trained and hydrated - will run the Venus on the Half Shell Saturday morning in Dewey and/or the J.J. 5K in Rehoboth Beach on Sunday morning. A weekend of mid-90s temperatures and wet-T-shirt humidity must exceed that number, you would think. Just wait, though, because I didn’t grow up with “Wally Kanaan The Weatherman” and Jim O’Brien’s weather good guys and bad guys not to have an intrinsic understanding of weather (plus I wrote the curriculum “Geography for the Criminally Insane” and taught it for years). The lowest absolute humidity is in the middle of the day and the highest is at night. Usually, in the morning, that 160 number is not reached, being closer to 140. A psychrometer (how special is that?) is the instrument used to measure relative humidity but I’ve never seen one at a race. Just paraphrase the Country Joe and the Fish song, “Feel Like I’m Fixin’ to Die Rag”: “It’s one, two, three what are we running for? Don’t ask me I don’t give a damn.” But if you see spots or feel clammy, head straight for the sea that spawned you.

A MAN IN FULL - Tom Wolfe wrote the book about an aging and powerful man whose life starts to become populated by replacement players. I can relate, minus the powerful part, but if someone calls me about a sports story I arrogantly perceive myself as the best. After we set up a place to meet, ask, “What did you say your name was again?”

I instantly tell them, it doesn’t matter because old what’s-his-name isn’t going to show up, and that he should call the Coast Press. Then he says, “I thought you were the Coast Press.”

My grandmother Rose said, “All everybody wants is just to be somebody. Now get me a beer, Tommy.” “But I’m David.”

“What is your point?” Actually the sports community is being repopulated by replacement players, that’s just the way it is, Bruce Hornsby.

Who?

SNIPPETS - High school athletes planning to play a fall sport should know they need a yearly physical, parent permission and proof of insurance. Call your coach or the school if your parents appear confused on this matter. The Cubs beat the Phillies on a walk-off wild pitch.

Remember, when fans found the house of Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams after giving up walk off World Series Home run to Joe Carter. They threw eggs high and wide of his house in the first ever Metaphor riot. The Ravens sent me a season of press credentials and parking passes but pulled our photo credential because of a new NFL policy requiring all teams to decrease photographer numbers by 20 percent. Anyone want to catch a ride to Baltimore and hang out with old what’s-his-name?

Go on now, git!