COMFORT ZONE - I was listening to a football game - the International Bowl - on satellite radio last Saturday between Rutgers and Ball State won by Rutgers 52-30. A cutaway to a young woman serving as sideline reporter highlighted the dangers of reporting on a game you never played. The quarterback dropped the direct center snap in the shotgun, or spread formation, causing the reporter to say that the quarterback told her he is much more comfortable with his head between the center’s legs.
Now everyone knew what she meant, so if you’re the “back to you” play-by-play guy, your options are to clarify: “She, of course, meant to say hands under the center.” Or you could choose to ignore it, figuring you can only make it worse and, anyway, psychologists have proven that if you hear something the content of which is totally outrageous the first thing you do is to question your own hearing.
“I know she didn’t say that.”
Hillary Clinton, suddenly realizing she is not the Obama of the Democratic Party, said in criticism of the eloquent orator from Illinois: “It’s not talking about change but whether you can make change that is important.”
I’m sure Barack can break a $20, but no one in American can make change anymore without a bar code scanner.
TOM-TOM - You can’t beat a Tom-Tom! It was scary, but last Saturday morning I traveled to a meeting of the Delaware Sportswriters and Broadcasters Association centrally located at a Newark restaurant I never heard of with a chance to use my Christmas gift, an onboard GPS with the brand name Tom-Tom. The thing is freaky in its accuracy and I choose a British accent to tell me when to anticipate and then when to actually turn.
And so there I was with GPS, radar detector, satellite radio and cell phone on the seat because it’s dangerous to reach into a blue jean pocket just because your leg is vibrating.
The annual DSBA banquet is Sunday, Jan. 27 at which time the Team of the Year, Coach of the Year and Athlete of the Year will be announced.
ROGER THE DODGER - I watched the Roger Clemens interview with “Tales from the Crypt” Mike Wallace on “60 Minutes” last Sunday night and my reaction was, “I like that big old Texas boy,” and if he’s been using steroids send me the web address of the online pharmacy.
Clemens said to Wallace, “The further up the flagpole you climb the more of your butt is showing.”
I scratched my head on that one, but Clemens is right and he is also right that after 25 years in baseball he deserves the benefit of the doubt and he benefits from my doubt because there is no way your jammed-up personal trainer injected you with B12 and Lidocaine shots then told federal authorities they were steroids.
I have some close friends who are trainers and none of them could inject anyone without fainting. You can get some doctors to give you a testosterone injection - all you have to do is ask them.
Clemens will testify in front of Congress in nine days. Fifteen years ago, Roger Clemens agreed to pitch the first two innings at the University of Texas spring game. The leadoff batter dug in his heels and Clemens threw the first pitch 95 miles an hour at his head. I am praying Roger goes “chin music” on some noodle senator.
THE FAIR CATCH - The guys who make fair catches of NFL 50-yard, five-second hang time punts are among the best athletes in all of sports and they make it look routine. Drop just one punt and you are chump of the game.
I want to see Tiger Woods field punts or Kobe Bryant or a big tackle like John Runyan. They have punting machines that send the ball into orbit so return men can practice catching them. I think it would make a game for Jungle Jim’s.
SNIPPETS – Antonio Gates, with his big hurt toe, is said to be in limbo for next weekend’s game at Indy.
I think the Catholics cancelled limbo and all those souls got kicked into heaven. How far is heaven? Ask Los Lonely Boys.
Clemens is now suing his trainer for defamation. The defense against defamation, libel and slander is the truth. Clemens is going for the no-hitter in his defense, but the federal government is ultimately the last batter and when is the last time Uncle Sam took the collar?
A very sad story down in Northern Georgia Mountains about the lost hiker, a 23-year-old girl, kidnapped and killed by some old skeezer, loser scumbag.
James Dickey, who wrote the book and movie script “Deliverance” about that neck of the woods, was my teacher in an undergraduate literature class years go. Dickey, a former Clemson lineman and Korean War pilot said, ”There are people out there who would just as soon kill you and look as you. In fact, they’d rather!” The best hedge against victimization is not to present your self as the victim.
This is a community of runners and walkers so take that lesson to heart, especially women - don’t jog into vulnerability.
Wladimir Klitschko (49-3) is currently the top rated heavyweight in the world. Six of the top 10 ranked heavyweights are Russian or sound Russian. There are 16 weight classes in international boxing and Russians and eastern Europeans are all over the place as well as a sprinkling of Japanese fighters.
Don’t wear an athletic team T-shirt unless you represent, are an avid fan or are will to lie about either. I once had a Blue golf shirt - I was fit and 28 - with Giants helmet logo purchased at the old Gershwin’s on Rehoboth Avenue. I was in upstate New York and had everyone convinced I was Tucker Fredrickson of the Giants - the first overall pick in the 1965 draft - a two-way player out of Auburn. That was the same draft that saw the Kansas Comet Gayle Sayers and Brian Piccolo go to the Bears. Sayers, now 64, has an autobiography - “I Am Third” - which reflects his philosophy of life: “The Lord first; my family and friends second; I Am Third.”
And I am out! Go on now, git!
