Twenty-five years ago, actor Tony Randall was a guest on the “Tonight Show” and told Johnny Carson that he was addicted to watching the new Weather Channel. Tony recounted a story: “After three hours of sitting and watching my wife came by and asked, ‘What’s the weather going to be tomorrow?’” and I replied, “I don’t know.”
That’s the zone now occupied by 99 percent of football fans who just came through the crush season of college bowl games and NFL wild card rounds. Each game has a commentator to diagram and explain defenses and a pregame and halftime crew of experts to tell us what they think is going to happen. And including sideline reporters everyone talks football, but only a few have an actual comprehension of how the game works. The fan base of NFL football is a step up from professional wrestling. By the way, the Dolphins and Vikings were not playoff worthy teams so the real fun for the Ravens and Eagles begins this weekend. The Titans have no offense so how are they going to beat the Ravens? The Giants are another story, but if Brandon Jacobs isn’t planting linebackers early it could be on like “Donkey Kong.”
CELEBRITY DIETS - Oprah Winfrey struggles with her weight so America struggles with her whether we’re interested or not. She is an example of genetics and body type and a fat person always fighting to get out.
Engineered nutrition is a cool term but who knows what it means?
There is basically too much information to swallow and absorb so go ahead and eat mostly plants like some goofy brontosaurus. I recently ate seven Florida oranges in one day instead of homemade chocolate chip Christmas cookies. We are talking discipline, but that orange juice stings once you’ve cut up your thumb and fingers from too much peeling. Then I’m told oranges are carbohydrates and eating seven is too much for one half of football watching so I returned to my barrel of salted pretzels and ranch dip.
GUEST TUB - Have you ever visited someone for a couple of days who doesn’t have a shower only a tub? How weird and gross is it to be the naked person in someone else’s porcelain cleaning bowl. Usually people skip the hair wash and concentrate on road film but it does give you that creepy cootie feeling. Speaking of not getting all wet, I have witnessed the proliferation of fundraising polar plunges and the number of people who run in to knee deep then turn and run out. The only rule of the Lewes Polar Bears, now 28 years old, is total immersion in a traditional bathing suit. We don’t do modified plunges! We are Polar Playas!
BARKLEY - I had a retriever Barkley named after Charles, but when the round mound of ultra sound was traded for Jeff Hornichek that dog couldn’t adjust to “Here Horny,” or worse “Stay Horny,” so we stuck with Barkley Dog which is a Sussex County thing to say the name of the pooch followed by dog which is why my most loyal friends call me Freddogg.
Speaking of DUIs, I guess all sports fans have seen the mug shot of Barkley busted for DUI in Arizona and what he said to explain why he was cruising the streets at 3 a.m. Contrast that with Roger Clemens, possibly the disgrace story of 2008. Clemens’ crime, in the eyes of the public, is not the use of performance enhancing drugs but rather his refusal to stop lying to us.
SNIPPETS - The high school sports schedule will resume Tuesday, Jan. 6. The Cape swim team is at St. Mark’s while boys basketball hosts Sussex Central and the girls play at Sussex Central.
Wrestling hosts last year’s state champion Sussex Central Wednesday, Jan. 7. The boys basketball team is at Caesar Rodney Thursday, Jan. 8. Both teams are 6-0 coming off Christmas vacation. The Riders have the total package of height and ball handling, but Cape is the untamable wild dog just relentless with pressure and defense.
Happy New Year! Let’s run another one!
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