‘Knight’ needs to transform into something worth watching

If nothing else, “Transformers: The Last Knight” should receive some sort of environmental award for the amount of recycling it packs into its way-overlong 2.5-hour runtime. “Star Wars,” “Stranger Things,” “King Arthur,” and about a dozen or so other films are all needlessly grafted into its engine with the hopes of catering to various demographics in this, the fifth film of the popular franchise about robot cars from space.

The films in this franchise are deemed “critic-proof,” which means no words written here will dissuade the franchise devotees. And as someone who could not tell you the difference between films one through four, I am certainly not their target audience. But there is a fear that the lure of some of this entry’s more established names (Anthony Hopkins, Stanley Tucci, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi) might tempt the uninitiated to consider dipping their toes in this one and “taking one for the team” by accompanying their younger child to the theater.

That act of charity would be a mistake on your part, as your senses will be pulverized into submission while simultaneously your brain will be tapped and IQ points will be siphoned off to the point of drooling. I am not attempting to sound hyperbolic when I use the term “aggressively bad,” as this film seems to take pride in its stupidity, resorting to lowest common denominator dialogue (just throw in the word “scrotum” or a random curse word when you are out of narrative creativity), stunningly chaotic battle sequences (even by director Michael Bay standards), and yelling ... a whole lot of yelling.

This entry attempts to broaden the “Transformer” universe by introducing a story thread that somehow ties into Arthurian legend, then mentioning that they have been tied to important historical events throughout time, kept hidden by some strange Illuminati-like cult.

At least, I think that is what happens.

Even with the low bar set by the series, “Knight” just rumbles forth with unmapped ferocity, steamrolling into the next scenes randomly, hopping locations needlessly and staging battles that continue endlessly. Of course, this is all done with Bay’s signature editing style that states if a scene is held for more than two seconds, the camera must be kicked, jiggled or tossed so as not to remain still.

There’s no real need to mention the human actors (be they in person, like Mark Wahlberg, or via voice, like Goodman and Buscemi), as they all only serve to deliver strings of non sequitur put-downs to each other that are barely above playground taunts.

I am hesitant to call it the worst of the series, only because that would require me to watch the other films again for comparison. But I will say there is not a more noxious, off-putting affront to your senses to currently be found at the box office.