‘Mummy’ is monster mashup of Cruise’s career

Unless Universal Studios finds a way to create a cinematic crossover for its "Fast and the Furious" characters, Jason Bourne and the Minions, there are relatively few iconic characters on which it can create a "universe" like the ones being constructed by Disney (with Marvel) and Warner Bros. (with DC).

Realizing that deep within its vaults it holds the rights to countless classic monster movies, Universal has decided to bring them together under a series of films that it calls its Dark Universe (those who have struggled through Zack Snyder's vision for the first three DC Extended Universe films will perhaps accurately notice that he's cornered the market on darkness).

To introduce this multi-picture movement, it has launched the Tom Cruise-led "The Mummy," which perhaps is supposed to set the tone for future releases, to include: "The Bride of Frankenstein" (just in time for Valentine's Day 2019), "The Invisible Man," another "Wolfman" reboot, yet another "Dracula," "Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde," "Van Helsing," "Frankenstein," "Creature from the Black Lagoon" and "The Hunchback of Notre Dame."

It's an audacious lineup, to be sure. But it now seems even more challenging since the chaotic pile of incoherence that is "The Mummy" has landed with such a thud.

Perhaps it's not surprising that the studio decided to remake a film franchise that is still recalled fondly by many (and I am referring to the goofy-charming Brendan Fraser remake, not the laborious 1932 original). But it is surprising that this is what they chose to lead the universe. Judging from the final film, the only reason I can think of is because they needed a surplus of bandages to wrap the wounds it has suffered from critics and audiences alike.

Say what you may about Tom Cruise, but the man has essentially spent the latter part of his career being quite selective of his roles (even his turn in the atrocious "Rock of Ages" was the film's one true virtue). So it's astounding to think what he saw in this noisy, by-the-numbers mess.

Cruise stars as yet another loquacious lothario who operates on his own set of rules. He's an Army officer who lifts antiquities (he prefers "liberating," because he's just that full of himself) to sell on the black market.

While in Iraq, he uncovers a tomb that awakens an ancient princess (played by Sofia Bountella, who doesn't act so much as merely writhes) who wants to destroy the world. Naturally, he's teamed up with a hottie female archeologist (played by Annabelle Wallis), who exists solely to spout exposition so the filmmakers can leap to the next CGI-filled action sequence.

Russell Crowe glowers as the head of a shifty organization dedicated to containing evil. It's ironic that, given his character's past, he would be allowed to oversee such an operation, as he plays Dr. Henry Jekyll and is prone to Hyde-like outbursts at very inopportune times.

But the doctor's transformation is the least of the film's issues, as it seems like a slapped-together "greatest hits" collection of both Cruise's career and monster films in general.

And when he is not eluding the mummy hordes, he is merely staring quizzically into the camera, as if to ask himself, "How did I get here?" Once the end credits come up on screen, many audience members may be asking themselves that very same question!