Aging in your own home brings challenges
Our senior years are precious, and they bring many challenges and adjustments, too.
My Aunt Sonia passed away in August 2017 with both her husband and myself at her side. The VA helped me to find an assisted living home for Uncle Ed that September. My son and friends moved his personal belongings. Somehow their home of more than 50 years was emptied. Ed was able to come up to Delaware for Christmas, and his cognitive skills were declining rapidly. He called me three times to say what a great Christmas he had and to sing an old song, “What did Della wear, boys? What did Della wear?” Ed passed in February 2018.
While they were still with us, they – and other family members – had to make many adjustments in order to meet the challenges brought by their advancing years. I addressed their journey in the column below, originally published March 31, 2017.
My aunt and uncle are determined to live out their lives in their own home in Johnson City, Tenn. She is 91. He is 89. They have been together for 67 years.
He has difficulty walking, and a few weeks ago, she fell and is recovering from a hip replacement. For the first time in their entire lives, they are not capable of taking care of each other without assistance.
The book “Being Mortal,” by author and surgeon Atul Gawande, describes the needs of his aging patients and the role healthcare providers play in helping everyone make the best decisions.
“I never expected that among the most meaningful experiences I'd have as a doctor – and really, as a human being – would come from helping others deal with what medicine cannot do as well as what it can,” he said.
Like most people, my aunt and uncle want to remain together in their own home as long as possible. With the aid of the VA hospital and their own money, home healthcare services are scheduled next week for three hours a day. How much help can happen in three hours? It has taken me 12 hours a day for the last week to meet their basic needs.
They need help to dress themselves, grocery shop, drive a car, fix meals, bathe, and use the bathroom or steps without falling.
I know my friends are experiencing or already have experienced the same painful decisions, and every family has their own story. Who helps? When do they help? How do they help? What if those being helped refuse to accept it?
The good news is that my aunt and uncle and family are discussing their options honestly after experiencing a disaster trying to ascend the stairs to get to their own bed. Tonight, we agreed, I will make up the sofa bed in the living room downstairs, and it will remain set up.
They can afford to add more hours to their home care company, but they would rather beckon me. I am not willing to move into the house permanently, but I can make frequent visits.
We just watched an episode of “The Golden Girls,” and I laughed out loud at the feisty character Sophia Petrillo (Estelle Getty), who says to her daughter, Gloria (Bea Arthur) and her sister, who is visiting from California, “You two get to fight over who gets to keep me? Do you know how that makes an 80-year-old mother feel?” They all smile, and the episode ends happily ever after.
We all wonder how life will end when it becomes our turn to need help. Reading “Being Mortal” has helped me be more patient, and honor my aunt and uncle by respecting their wishes as best I can.
Sonia calls him Mr. Honey. He asks her, “Are you OK?” She answers him – if she's wearing her hearing aids.
They need to sleep in the same bed together. And for now I can grant that request. I don't know how much longer they can live here. As I turned off their light last night, Sonia asked, “Mr. Honey, did you put my hearing aids on the side table?”
“Yes, I did.” He smiled.
Looking back, I’m grateful for the time we had with Aunt Sonia and Uncle Ed. And I’m grateful for every season, but also very thankful spring is here!
Write to lgraff1979@gmail.com. Find me on Facebook: Our Senior Yearbook, #lisajgraff1, Lisajgraff.com.
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Lisa Graff's essays have appeared in Woman's World Magazine and the Washington Post. She resides in Lewes, Delaware. Reach her at lgraff1979@gmail.com. Find her on Facebook: Our Senior Yearbook: Cape Gazette, Twitter: @lisajgraff1 and her website: lisajgraff.com.
