Bad weather news and good political decision-making just don’t mix

Politics and the weather make strange bedfellows. This is based on new scientific evidence, such as all the photos of politicians sunning themselves on sandy beaches while the rest of the country they represent sputters and chokes from a battle with something called ice. 

Weather alerts are always kept away from any personnel with their thumb on a nuclear device, just because of the panic reaction involving the word “alert.” You feel you have to do something, like pack a suitcase and head for the nearest airport, where you will wait in line for hours to find out your flight is canceled and won’t be available until spring 2024. Americans are much more comfortable waiting in line, anyway.

One’s mind, what little is left, does weird stuff when the temperature drops below freezing. You know how you are supposed to act in a place where you have to be quiet and reverent, like a funeral. And all you can think about is that old joke, the one where you are on a desert island with Brigitte Bardot and a priest. Soon you’re turning blue from trying to stifle a guffaw; eventually you have to stagger out of the church because stuff is coming out of your nose.

Well, it’s the same thing during a political year. Now, I know there are polls out there gathering the consensus on questions about everything from national security to how often you should cut your toenails. 

But the one question most candidates are really worried about and asking themselves is, “Where are my gloves?” For instance, suppose you are in a debate and the topic of Benghazi comes up. Naturally, you want to be on top of your game for this question. After all, foreign policy is a major tissue, I mean issue, which reminds me I am out of Kleenex.

Because you are consumed with weather, your mind will go into overdrive. Did he say my gloves were in a tree or were gloves free in Benghazi?  I know I heard it somewhere. From there your mind will just wander. Do they get snow there, or is this a trick question? How in the world do you spell Benghazi anyway, especially if there is a wind advisory? 

I never have this problem, so I would be the perfect politician for these arguments. Since I know I will never be able to split the atom, it goes without saying that I will never have two matching gloves.

So what I do is just wear one glove, like Queen Elizabeth or the Pope. Most of the time, I don’t wear any gloves in the winter. I just drive with my fingertips on the steering wheel, or sometimes I drive like they are claws frozen to the steering wheel.

This wondering about clothing during severe weather is not as silly as you think. For instance, I would be concerned that without my gloves, my hands would become slick, and suppose I was helping lift a couch and it slipped and fell on my television. Then where would we be?

I can remember my brother and his friends were asked to move a table from the basement out to the patio. Naturally they managed to let it go through a wall to the outside, where it created a new culvert. Of course, they were not wearing gloves, and OK, they also had consumed a couple bottles of my mother’s best red wine.

Now women candidates don’t have this problem. They have something called estrogen, which is a hormone that blocks any ability to move furniture, unless they are married, and then it boosts to the point where they could move a house.

So, keep your eye on the weather and the political arguments. Did they say the slowing economy or the snowing economy?