Embrace the ‘circle of stuff’ and free yourself

Q: I promised my grandmother I would help her downsize for some future move to assisted living, which I’m happy to do. But it’s been three months, and every time I visit her, she hasn’t done a thing, and she asks me when I’m going to get started! I try to be supportive, but I work full time and continue to hope she’ll start. What do you think is going on? Katherine H., Selbyville

A: Well, I’m not a psychologist Katherine, but after downsizing many, many seniors, I can tell you one thing: downsizing is hard. And the hardest part is getting started. My advice to you is to reserve a full day to spend with your grandmother. Start with one room (not the kitchen!) and one box. Set the timer on your phone to one hour, and help her start. Open a drawer and go through the contents together. Whatever she is not going to keep, put in the box. When that drawer is done, move to the next one. Take a break every hour. Repeat. The process may take several days of your coming months, but make sure it’s not the only thing you two do together. Maybe every other visit can be downsizing-related.

The other thing to keep in mind, Katherine, is that making your grandmother feel guilty about her delay in starting, or about any of the items she has held onto for a number of years (no matter how lame you may think they are) is not helpful. She needs your continued support and good nature through what is an emotionally draining process. You’re a good granddaughter.

Q: My husband is a packrat. It’s that simple. Last spring, during the height of the pandemic, we decluttered. But, now six months later, I can feel and see “the creep.” More papers piling up, clutter on the kitchen counter, etc. We need a maintenance plan. Caroline R., Milton

A: Congratulations on getting the main work done last spring! It seems many people used their involuntary solitude to declutter and organize. The maintenance, as you’re finding, can require a change in lifestyle, which takes time. Here are some tips:

Designate a basket or bin for mail or other paperwork. Go through that basket once a week, finding a permanent home/file (possibly the recycle bin) for paperwork. 

Clear the kitchen counter of rarely used appliances or cooking utensils. The clearer and cleaner the counter is, the less likely your husband is to sully it!

Designate a donations container in a hall closet or somewhere out of the way. Every time something surfaces that you no longer need or want, put it in the donation bin. This could also include nonperishable food you’re unlikely to use that has an approaching expiration date. One day each month, you and your husband can take a ride to various food pantries and donation centers to empty the bin.

Q: I’m moving to assisted living in three months. I’ve done the majority of bequeathing and clearing, but there are some things I simply can’t part with even though I don’t think I’ll have enough room to take them with me. They aren’t valuable, but they have such memories. My son says to just dump them, but I can’t. What should I do? Sylvia S., Laurel

A: Don’t dump them. Donate them. But take a picture of them first. You can look at the pictures down the road and smile, evoking all the same memories. The Swedish have a saying about making your beautiful memories someone else’s beautiful memories. When you donate these items, some new family will enjoy them as much as you have and develop their own memories. It’s the “circle of stuff.” Embrace it.