Face it: Your parents value stuff more than you do

You know the ongoing conversation all too well: You encourage, nag, admonish and eventually plead with your parents to begin getting rid of some things they no longer use or need. They immediately explain to you why they can’t part with certain items. For example, “That was your great-grandmother’s teakettle ... I can’t get rid of that!” You heave a sigh, roll an eye and drop the subject – until the next time.

You’re trying to prepare for the eventuality of their future move to a smaller home, whether it be an apartment or a senior care community or, at worst, the fact that you will carry out the disposal of their possessions after their deaths.

As tensions run high, it may help to remember that your parents are the products of their generation, just as you are of yours.

Assuming your parents were born between 1946 and 1964 as members of the Baby Boomer generation or even a little earlier, they were part of building the country’s middle class. Being middle class meant things like homeownership, a car in the driveway and a stable job. There was no gig economy were they buying into. Accumulating possessions was a marker of achievement and success.

Remember also that your parents were likely the children of a generation that survived the Great Depression, where saving string and reusing tea bags were simple necessities and realities. Virtually nothing was thrown away during their childhoods, and that has had lingering effects on them, even today.

When you can embrace – or at least acknowledge – the odd combination of being a highly motivated acquirer of things, coupled with the lessons of saving items for any possible needs, you’re closer to accepting your parents’ reluctance to dispose of the things they either inherited, like great-grandma’s teakettle, or worked very hard to purchase on their own, like two sizes of crock pots or several pieces of sporting equipment – neither of which they’ve used in years.

You, on the other hand, are probably in Generation X or a Millennial, and place much less value on stuff. You’re more interested in spending money on experiences and social causes, because you’re a product of the times you grew up in.

“This is the first time we’re seeing a kink in the chain of passing down mementos from one generation to another,” said Mary Kay Buysse, co-executive director of the National Association of Senior & Specialty Move Managers.

So, how do show your parents that you understand their attachment to their stuff and at the same time achieve your goals of convincing them to part with things they simply don’t need or use?

As the daughter of parents born before the Baby Boomers, I know it’s hard when it becomes your job to sort through a lifetime of accumulated possessions. But here are I few tips I’ve learned working through their stuff, and the stuff of many, many clients since then.

First, separate – either literally or on a paper list – items based on the emotional attachment your parents have to them. Pictures, jewelry, some furniture, some china/dishes and specific knickknacks will likely be in the high-attachment category. This is the toughest category and should be dealt with last.

Other possessions that they have acquired over the years, like countertop appliances, everyday dishes, clothing, sports equipment, and collections of knickknacks, baseball cards, beer steins and the like, should be in a separate, secondary-attachment category. And finally, stuff that is both useless and valueless should go into the third category.

Next, in the case of the useless, valueless stuff, try to convince your parents that their lives will be easier and simpler if they just purge themselves of this “extra weight.” This may take more than one conversation. Be patient, but relentless.

Moving on to the non-emotional stuff that still may have some value or use, it’s helpful to take advantage of the good intentions and kind hearts of their generation. Convince them that many of the items they no long use or need could be a godsend to a less-fortunate family in need of exactly those things.

And finally, for the hard stuff. Help your parents make a list of the people they may want to give something to, and strongly encourage them to touch base with those people to make sure they actually want it. When it comes to furniture that their new homes will not accommodate and no family members want – like massive china closets or dining room tables – take a picture of them that your parents can look at now and again, and then convince them to donate it. Some things, like treasured knickknacks, jewelry and even great-grandma’s teakettle, may just end up moving with them! And that’s OK.

So, despite your sense of urgency, be patient and compassionate with your parents. They are not trying to be difficult; they are merely products of their generation.