Family reunions on TV are nothing like real life

Ah, yes, the family reunion, always considered a summer classic. The reunions are supposed to be like those soda commercials on television. They’re depicted as everyone gathered around laughing it up and chowing down. Not one of the kids is seen pushing someone in a blindfold over the cliff. Instead they are clapping, war-whooping, and singing “Michael Row the Boat Ashore.” Adults are spreading food on picnic tables whose seats haven’t yet collapsed under the weight of a relative who has the appetite of a rhino. And there is so much hugging and laughter, it’s hard to believe they haven’t been eating a psychedelic mushroom casserole. I have the same type of soda and all I get is a spastic bladder.

Well, that may be the scenario in your family reunion and I hope it is because that image had to come from somewhere, but in my family reunion, well, it’s more liked a power summit of world would-be leaders, only they are dressed in shorts, T-shirts and a lot of hairpieces that don’t fit well.

The biggest challenge in more family reunions than you would think would be that dreaded invitation, in other words, let the excuses begin. This is true except for people like politicians, who somehow have enormous families that they have to quit their jobs over and spend more time with after a full page spread of them running around in black socks and a garter belt hits the newsstands.

Committing to attend a family reunion is as much a mystery to me as fantasy football. It’s complicated, and not even the Chinese can figure it out, and if it’s anything to do with intelligence, they are surely right up there, but then again, they may have their own problems with family reunions. At some point it might be considered a global issue.

Anyway, the list of invitees is carefully encoded and deep-sixed in a box lined with a metal much like those impenetrable ones in Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. Decisions on who is in and who is out are critical. Well, let’s say there is always an issue at one of these events.

For instance, some relatives have waited years to recount slights, like my aunt who wasn’t invited to a 10th cousin’s wedding; that cousin was twice removed from the third marriage on the fourth stepfather’s side of the family. She hasn’t spoken to them in years, not that she has seen them, since they live in a Buddhist monastery in Nepal, but if she saw them it would be the silent treatment, which is apparently what they have been studying anyway.

And my mother was very big on remarks a certain person was supposed to have made about something, which she could no longer remember, but was certain it was an important insult. She would have been the poster child for an Omerta Mafia made man ceremony, if only she didn’t sing like a canary with the least provocation, like the phone ringing.

Sometimes there are rumors well ahead of these family reunions, and those rumors become cyclical to the point where relatives are afraid to eat the food, especially since the last Salmonella outbreak, and trust me, there is always a Salmonella outbreak after these events, even if it is only in their minds.

No, these family reunions are made for fun and catching up on everyone’s progress with their kids and loved ones. Of course all of that goes with a grain of salt. Success abounds with the smoke from the grill. Even if your child is just out of jail on a weekend pass, it’s considered an institution of higher learning sabbatical.

I would still attend a family reunion, especially if it wasn’t my own family; just be careful who you ask to pass you the potato salad.