It’s good to reach out and touch someone by mail

It is time to deal with getting an early start to those holiday greeting cards. Greeting cards relay that important message to friends and other family members; that message depicts everyone in your personal family and life as being a success. The greeting card in the right hands, meaning my family, is the poster child for fake news

I don’t care if the kids are in a penitentiary serving time, the card  will state that those kids have decided to take a semester away to further their education at an institution of higher learning and will be eligible for graduation in four to six years.

 I know adult kids who are barely getting by on Hooked on Phonics, and yet somehow the photo enclosed shows them in front of an ivy-covered building. The sign indicates Governor’s Mansion. Naturally it is hidden by shrubbery, and in front of their septic cleaning truck. Everything is about perception at this point.

Perhaps the card I dread the most though is the Christmas newsletter. Now I know there are folks out there who send wonderful, thoughtful holiday letters at this time of the year. The letters are short and full of interesting updates. But the sender is also thoughtful in that they mail them to people they are intimately acquainted with, and who would find the newsletter informative. After reading one of these most folks have the same response, “Who are these people anyway?”

Typically, I will get one of these from a relative whom I haven’t seen in years, mostly because I thought they had passed away, and I could swear I attended their funeral.  They describe their family tree as if it were a thesis paper on super genetic patterns.  Naturally, the only thing missing here is their family on the cover of Time Magazine, as one of the hundred most influential people in America.

Of course, if you plan well enough ahead, you can send out one of my favorites, which is your own holiday greeting card with a photograph on the front. It is a must that everyone in the photo has to be wearing the same Norwegian hand-knit sweater, have identical capped teeth, and there are at least seven blazing fireplaces in the background. 

Sometimes it’s worth your while to just substitute a very good looking family that lives in the neighborhood on the front of your own card; your family wouldn’t recognize you anyway and you hardly have any friends.  Heck, you could probably use a celebrity, and no one would know the difference. And today you can photo shop mug shots. No one will notice the view is to the side.

I like cards that are personalized myself.  This does take some effort. Sure you can get one of those cardboard cutouts of a president or celebrity and put your arm around them, with the  greeting, “From our house to your house.” It will end up in the unbelievable pile. 

But I think something that will stick in their minds is more useful. And it doesn’t have to be subtle either. I scout out abandoned houses until I find one that is barely standing upright. Then I borrow a couple of Doberman Pinchers, a local biker and pose in a spangled tube top. Just add return address as an alley in the city

It’s good to reach out and touch someone by mail during these holidays, even if it is a fake family.  

The best part of those holiday cards though is forgetting to put the stamps on. That way, you get cards right back at you. So you better get started now.