It is time to deal with those holiday greeting cards. It’s especially important to relay a message to your friends and other family members; that message depicts everyone in your personal family and life as being successful. Talk about your fake news; we’ve been dealing with it for years. The greeting card in the right hands, meaning my family, is the poster child for fake news.
I don’t care if the kids are in a penitentiary serving time, the card can easily state that those crazy kids have decided to take a semester away to further their education at an institution of higher learning and will be eligible for graduation in four to six years.
I know adult kids who are barely getting by on Hooked on Phonics and yet somehow the photo enclosed shows them in front of an ivy-covered building. The key here is the sign reading, “Governor’s Mansion. Tours start hourly.” Naturally it is hidden by shrubbery. Everything is about perception at this point.
Perhaps the card I dread the most though is the Christmas newsletter. Now I know there are folks out there who send wonderful, thoughtful holiday letters at this time of year. The letters are short and full of interesting updates. But the senders are also thoughtful in that they mail them to people they are intimately acquainted with and who would find the newsletter informative. After reading one of these, most folks have the same response, “Who are these people anyway?”
Typically, I will get one of these from a relative whom I haven’t seen in years, mostly because I thought they had passed away, and I could swear I attended their funeral. They describe their family tree as if it were a thesis paper on super genetic patterns. Naturally, the only thing missing here is their family on the cover of Time Magazine, as one of the hundred most influential dynasties in America.
Of course if you plan well enough ahead, you can send out one of my favorites, which is your own holiday greeting card with a photograph on the front. It is a must that the photo shows everyone wearing the same Norwegian hand-knit sweater and having identical capped teeth, and at least seven blazing fireplaces in the background.
Sometimes it’s worth your while to just substitute a very good-looking family that lives in the neighborhood on the front of your card; your family wouldn’t recognize you anyway and you hardly have any friends. Heck, you could probably use a celebrity and no one would know the difference. And today you can Photoshop mug shots. No one will notice the view is to the side profile.
I like cards that are personalized, myself. This does take some effort. But if you’ve had it up to here with the newsletters of kids who have split the atom, simply follow these steps. You will have to hire someone from a biker gang, with bulging muscles and dozens of tattoos. I scout out abandoned houses until I find one that is barely standing upright. Then I rent a couple of doberman pinschers and make sure they have those spiked choke collars around their necks.
Once I have the cast assembled, the biker and I pose with the dogs in front of the house. The message always reads, “Happy Holidays,” and then I hand-write, “Six Pack and the gang will be dropping by as soon as the dogs are neutered.” It’s good to reach out and touch someone by mail during these holidays, even if it is a fake family.
The best part of those holiday cards, though, is forgetting to put the stamps on. That way, you get cards right back at you.
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Nancy Katz has a degree in creative writing and is the author of the book, "Notes from the Beach." She has written the column Around Town for the Cape Gazette for twenty years. Her style is satirical and deals with all aspects of living in a resort area on Delmarva.
