Joan Rivers rocks Rehoboth Beach
At the Rehoboth Beach Convention Center, Saturday, April 4, comedienne Joan Rivers was a master, showing how just one person with a microphone can entertain hundreds. This was not a person resting on past success, an entertainer going through the motions; no, this was a performer at the peak of her ability.
While Rivers has been in the entertainment business for more than 40 years, she worked, sweated, bounded from one end of the stage to the other like she was still reaching for that big break rather than one of America’s great comedy talents. Rivers performed for more than an hour, with material ranging from Jacqueline Kennedy-Onassis, to Tom Cruise, to recent news about Madonna.
It was the sixth year for Comedy at the Beach, an annual fundraiser for The Jefferson School. Each year, organizers also ask another charity to join as a beneficiary. This year, the secondary charity was CAMP Rehoboth.
A local comes back
Opening comedian Kerry Terranova started his set with jokes about Sussex County, which was fine with an audience who seemed to enjoy laughing at themselves. “I flew into Georgetown airport,” Terranova said. “Before we landed, I was looking down and I felt some turbulence. I started getting scared, because you don’t get no Captain Sully at the controls when you’re landing in Georgetown International Airport.”
Landing was not much better for Terranova. “I have to say it was the first time I landed next to a chicken house,” he said. “They just mowed the runway, so that was pretty good.”
Terranova said he has noticed a disturbing trend in footwear. “Here at the beach it seems like there are a lot of people walking around in the ugliest footwear ever created by man - Crocs.” The audience, many of whom were no doubt wearing Crocs, laughed and applauded. “They don’t even look like footwear - it looks like some piece of s*** your kid made in vacation Bible camp.
“Once I saw a picture of a bride, and she was lifting the hem of her wedding dress, and there was a bright, white pair of Crocs. On her wedding day! There’s a marriage that’s going to hell. I mean, if she shows up on the most important day of her life in shoes that can go in the dishwasher, I question her level of commitment.”
Terranova said he noticed a problem in the Home Depot parking lot in Lewes. “I went to the Home Depot you have at Five Points,” Terranova said. “There are about 11 rows of handicap spaces - all empty. I don’t mean to start a revolution here or anything, but when did the handicapped get so damned handy? I mean, if you can climb an 11-foot stepladder and install a ceiling fan, then you can park in the back with me!”
Even though he did not mention it during his set, Terranova used to live in the Cape Region. While he lives in Annapolis, Md. these days, he was the morning radio host on WGMD before current host Dan Gaffney.
Where are the gays?
Before Terranova left the stage, Rivers came out, gave him a hug, and said, “Terry, that was great. A little too good.”
After the cheers subsided, Rivers yelled, “Where are the gays? Where are all my gays?” It seemed that at least half of the audience leapt to their feet, cheering.
“I love gays, but I hate lesbians. Hate the lesbians. Lesbians don’t laugh. Gays laugh at everything. I can say hello and gays will scream, but if I do a great joke, all Rivers
lesbians say [in a deep voice] “That’s funny, that’s funny.”
By starting the show making jokes about some of her most passionate fan base, Rivers set the stage for the evening - everyone bore the brunt of her humor. No group was left unscathed.
Rivers also does volunteer work for AIDS patients. “I’m sick of these AIDS people too,” she said. “AIDS started out as a disease you died from, now it’s a chronic condition. I deliver meals on Thanksgiving Day and now I’m seeing the same people year after year. I ring the doorbell, ding dong. ‘It’s you again?!’ This is the third year! Then he says, ‘Put it over there, I was about to head out to the gym.’ The gym?!”
Celebrity news
Rivers said she feels bad that her friend Madonna was recently denied the right to adopt a child from Malawi. “Madonna didn’t get to adopt that kid,” Rivers said. “The court said it was best if the child stays with its family. Can you imagine when that kid grows up and finds out what happened? ‘You did what!!??’”
Rivers said she noticed something about Tom Cruise’s wife, Katie Holmes. “She never speaks, but if you look at her eyes, they’re blinking S-O-S,” Rivers said. “I’m sick of Tom Cruise. He says he was at the birth of all of his children. Big deal. But what about the conception? Was he there for that?”
Aging gracefully
Rivers said she is also getting tired of old people. “I know I’m old too, but I hate it when the old people are proud of being old. ‘I’m 96 years old.’ Yeah? And you smell. No one cares.
“Then I see these old people shopping at Costco! They’re in their 90s and they’re shopping in bulk. Do you really think you’re going to use 18 jars of mayonnaise? You’ll be lucky to live long enough to make it to the check-out line,” River said.
“Now I go out with old guys. I went out with this one guy, and he tried to give me a hicky, and his dentures stuck to my neck,” Rivers said. “They just hung there.
“Once I was out at dinner with a man, and he died. He died! Right there in the restaurant.” Rivers said the toughest part was getting his credit card out of a dead man’s pocket. “I wasn’t going to pay,” she said. “I figured there’s no future with this one.”
There are some important tips to dating older men, however. “When you do the fake orgasm, make sure it’s in his good ear,” she said. “Otherwise you have to go woo-woo-woo all over again.”
Being a member
“I’m a member of Overeaters Anonymous,” Rivers said. “It’s a good group, but anonymous? Really? You don’t think anyone else notices? Believe me ladies, you’re not all that anonymous. Then they sit in the meeting and cry, and say, ‘No one loves me.’ That’s not true - your butcher loves you, your baker loves you, the pastry chef …”
Rivers said she hates celebrity testimonials about weight loss. “Now we have Valerie Bertinelli on the cover of some magazine, saying she lost 116 pounds. Big deal. But what about Jenny Craig? How come we never see her? I want to see Jenny! Give us Jenny! I think she’s some huge, disgusting shut-in.”
A successful evening
While it was a benefit for a school, fortunately no children were at the show. It was a performance strictly for adults. The language, the anecdotes and many of the situations she described were, well, very colorful.
While event organizers took a big risk by spending a lot to bring in Joan Rivers, there were few empty seats, and judging from the red-rimmed eyes and smiling faces as people left, attendees were happy with the performance. “She did an incredible job,” said Steve Cerney of Lewes. “She did a phenomenal job of entertaining everyone the audience. She had something for everyone.”
Brenda Heckert, the mistress of ceremonies, and a comedienne, was also impressed with the show. “She is 75 years old and she rocked the house,” Heckert said. Terranova said it was the first time he had met Rivers, and he hopes to work with her again soon. “I wanted my performance to be just under Joan’s,” he said. “My job is just to set the table. But with an audience like this, 700 to 800 people who are ready to laugh, you can’t lose. I hope I can work with her again.”
Meeting Rivers
After the show, Rivers attended a quick meet and greet for the evening’s sponsors. It was a chance for people to get a picture or shake her hand. Rivers was in the room before anyone knew. The entertainer with the commanding stage presence is actually a thin woman, maybe five feet tall.
“Okay, who wants a picture?” she shouted, as most people froze. “Come on folks, you’ve only got 15 minutes - I’ve got three dogs I need to walk.” The ice broken, a line formed and Rivers stayed, dogs or not, until everyone got a picture with her. She seemed to enjoy meeting people and talking briefly with everyone.
