Overall sinking feeling in ‘Dead Men Tell No Tales’

Considering that by their fifth entry, many film series are firmly into “direct-to-streaming” territory, it’s commendable that the “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise has been able to weather the stormy cineplex seas for almost 15 years now.

It’s impressive considering that the source - a theme-park ride - was hardly narrative-rich material.

When the 2003 original “Curse of the Black Pearl” set sail, it exceeded all expectations, both critically and commercially. The fact that it brought in a treasure trove of tickets ensured that there would be further adventures afoot for Captain Jack Sparrow (played by Johnny Depp) and crew.

And watching his slurring, ornery antics in the original was undoubtedly a delight - like watching your strait-laced relative get tipsy at a cocktail party after tossing back a couple glasses of wine.

But after witnessing this behavior for the better part of a decade, it’s time to admit there’s a problem. And it’s one that no amount of CGI ghosts, bowel-rattling cannons, or frenetically staged action sequences can mask.

There’s an overall sinking feeling with “Dead Men Tell No Tales” that we’ve been there and pillaged that. Javier Bardem now takes the wheel as our main antagonist, Captain Salazar, who leads a crew of zombies hell-bent on avenging their cursed vessel by searching for - who else? - the perpetually soused Sparrow.  

Directing credits were handed to Norwegian team Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg, who certainly know how to handle high-seas adventure. Their previous film, 2012’s “Kon-Tiki,” followed a 1947 sailing expedition to the Polynesian Islands and ended with an Oscar nomination.

There’s a strained subplot involving the son of Will Turner (played by Orlando Bloom in the original, who cameos here) and a feisty female astronomer. But Brenton Thwaites as the dreamy younger Turner cannot create a ripple in the chaotic seas of the script, and while Kaya Scodelario is engaging as the strong-willed stargazer, her character has far too little screen time for her to matter much.

Throughout the two-plus hours there are quizzical cameos (goodbye Keith Richards, hello … Paul McCartney?), sloppy special effects (the ghost sharks look as though they leapt right out of a made-for-Syfy trash-terpiece), and action sequences that Wile E. Coyote would turn down for being too unrealistic.

By the end, the film, and ultimately the franchise, resemble the film’s opening heist sequence. Sparrow and his marauding mates elaborately steal a safe that ultimately yields them one tiny coin when opened.

We know how you feel, you bankrupt buccaneers.