We have adult children. I know I should stop right there because that fact alone is enough to bring you to your knees. Only the IRS understands the pain of these non-deductible lines on your tax return, which they have been scrutinizing for years. When it happens, the Firm, as they like to refer to themselves, dubs it Sticking It to the Man Day.
And of course, the relationship will now change. You will be viewed differently by your adult children.
All those thousands of issues of Parents magazine should be replaced by stuff like Genealogy Gone Wrong, and Is it Too Late to Test for Paternity? Usually the current issues are so thick you will have to pick them up at a loading dock.
The only saving grace is there is a long line at the dock, which you are now so comfortable with from living in this area, you pack a cooler full of your favorite snacks.
In an effort to appear knowledgeable, let me help you navigate a few common misconceptions. If you stay at the home of one of these adult children, the first accusation that will surface is that you never sleep.
They are adamant that you wander the house at night from room to room, like some demented character in a Charles Dickens novel. They will swear the next morning that they heard chains rattling, feet shuffling, doors creaking and other noises that are not identifiable. You will notice the following night, they have put up baby safety gates and road spikes used in police car chases on the LA freeway.
Their friends, of which they have thousands, will look at you and be sure you are possessed with some alien DNA, or as they like to refer to the weekend, the Zombies have arrived. They all concur it’s a sign of aging, and no amount of argument will talk them out of it. Let’s not bring up the fact that you walked the floor with them all night long at one point in their infant life. It doesn’t count.
The other big contention that circulates involves the dreaded thermostat. As we age, something in what’s left of our brain tells us that we are always, 24/7, freezing cold. Tiny cells formulate in our body relaying signals that confuse the gray matter into thinking we have just landed in Antarctica aboard an ice cutter.
Your children will confront you in the morning drenched in sweat and swear they have heat stroke from the results of the thermostat being set by you at a temperature that melts and fuses plutonium to make nuclear weapons. You will of course be perplexed by this since you are wearing flannel pajamas and fur-lined gloves.
The thermostat wars will rage forever, and you again will be the subject of much gossip among their friends, which now have increased to the millions.
And as a last reminder of the difference in lifestyle, your adult children will turn on the television to a 24-hour news channel as soon as you open the front door. They believe you will stop breathing if you do not see that scroll running across the bottom of the screen with breaking news.
OK, so I’ve been caught a few times with the television on while I’m up in the attic. Yes, it’s the only reason I buy lotto tickets, so I might be able to pay my cable television bill. I have a few sets around the house.
Your adult children don’t really watch a lot of television. It’s considered a sign of being not intellectually sound, unless it’s a show with a bunch of people sitting around whining about their dates or handing out fake roses.
I’d say congratulations; in their eyes, you now qualify for the unique opportunity to be one of the original humans to colonize the planet Mars. That’s about right.
-
Nancy Katz has a degree in creative writing and is the author of the book, "Notes from the Beach." She has written the column Around Town for the Cape Gazette for twenty years. Her style is satirical and deals with all aspects of living in a resort area on Delmarva.
