Dreaming of a Mike Christmas: More Favorite MST3K episodes

Welcome back! If you haven’t checked out my previous list of favorite Joel episodes, be sure to give that a read before continuing on with this list.

My first episode of MST3K was The Skydivers, a Mike Nelson hosted episode. Thanks to Mike, I discovered my love of poking fun of bad movies. This Thursday at Revival House, I hope you’ll join us as we look at Rifftrax, the more recent iteration of Mike and his MST3K costars’ prodding of bad movies. In celebration of this, I want to share with you my favorite MST3K episodes hosted by Mike Nelson.

Honorable Mentions: Prince of Space (Season 8, Episode 16) & Invasion of the Neptune Men (Season 8, Episode 19) 

It still baffles me that these aren’t the same film. Both Prince and Invasion have similar plots, almost identical superhero-like leads, and even suffer from the same kind of poor dubbing, yet they are just dissimilar enough to be different films. I’d give the edge to Prince for being slightly more fun to watch, but they’re both worth a look.

Favorite Riff: Prince of Space deftly dodges several ray gun blasts from a spaceship.

            Crow: “I have no powers, but I can skip reasonably well!” (Prince)

 Space Chief shows off some rather unimpressive martial arts skills.

            Crow: “Wow, this guy trained under Bruce Lee…bowitz.” (Invasion)

Favorite Host Segment:The Temporal Anomaly (Prince) and Mike Likes Noh Theater (Invasion)

#10: The Sinister Urge (Season 6, Episode 13) 

Obviously there was going to be an Ed Wood film on this list. I’ve probably seen this episode more than any other, thanks to owning a burned DVD copy. Ed Wood attempts to deliver a hardline message condemning the porn industry a mere decade before he was making porn. Look out for the posters for Bride of the Monster and Jailbait hanging up in the sleazy producer’s office!

Favorite Riff: Lt. Matt Carson: “The smut picture racket is worse than kidnapping or dope peddling.”

            Crow: “No it isn’t!”

Favorite Host Segment: Pinking Shears/Frank Has Gone Rogue

#9: The Sword & the Dragon (Season 6, Episode 17) 

Probably the least weird and most coherent of the Russo-Finnish movies covered by MST3K (Day the Earth Froze, Sinbad, Jack Frost), but there’s still some pretty strange stuff going on. Plus, you only get to see the titular dragon for about 7 minutes. Still, this movie is actually pretty decent for a MST3K film, and the riffing is solid enough to slide into my favorite episodes.

Favorite Riff: Some Random Evil Warrior: “Listen well, son of misery.”

            Servo: “You know my dad?”

Favorite Host Segment: A Joke by Ingmar Bergman

#8: Hobgoblins (Season 9, Episode 7) 

Here’s the part of the list where it gets hard to narrow it down. Hobgoblins is like Gremlins, if you made every character the absolute worst and the Gremlins were just hand puppets most of the film. The first time the Hobgoblins show up, the guys have a genuine chuckle, so you know the rest of it is going to be pretty fun. This might have been higher up on my list if I had watched it more, but beggars can’t be choosers. Shout out to Club Scum for being the best named sleazy establishment in film history.

Favorite Riff: The crappy main character pulls up in his horrendously-colored car.

            Crow: “Paint my muscle car prune-colored, please!”

Favorite Host Segment: Mike and the Bots Sneak Away

#7: Santa Claus (Season 5, Episode 21) 

A holiday classic! Half acid trip, half schmaltzy family film, Santa Claus is a real confusing take on jolly old Saint Nick. Santa lives in a castle in the clouds with Merlin and a bunch of kidnapped children! The actual Christian Devil shows up! Wind-up nightmare inducing reindeer! This could be like three different films, but instead we get an almost-horrifying mess of a children’s film. Happy holidays everyone, and don’t fall for the devil’s tricks!

Favorite Riff: Santa shows off his cosmic telescope, which has an eye attached to a spring.

            Mike, as the narrator: “This weird enough for you, folks? How does this make you feel about Santa?”

Favorite Host Segment:Meet Mike’s Family

#6: Escape 2000 (Season 7, Episode 5) 

Leave the Bronx, even though this is definitely Italy! Street tough ‘Trash’ embarks on a mission to kidnap the president of the corporation who’s attempting to exterminate the hoodlums from the Bronx to build something or other. Notable for being one of the most violent movies featured on MST3K (174 killed in the uncut version!), this is just a good old-fashioned shoot-‘em-up, where plot doesn’t have to make sense or have any real payoff except for stuff blowing up real good. Bonus points for Henry Silva (Manchurian Candidate, Above The Law) playing the poorly named villain Floyd Wrangler.

Favorite Riff: Trash drives down a dimly-lit alley on his motorcycle.

            Servo (singing): “Purple Rain, Puuurple Rain.”

Favorite Host Segment: Get Me a Cold One

 #5: The Incredible Melting Man (Season 7, Episode 4) 

You haven’t lived until you’ve seen the sun through the rings of Saturn, or until you’ve seen this. Space will apparently turn you into a horrifying melting monster, which begs the question why we want to go up there so badly. Featuring costume effects by American Werewolf in London wizard Rick Baker, this often overlooked gem from the short season seven is one of my favorite episodes of all-time. So much, in fact, that I own a framed copy of this Japanese poster of it.

Favorite Riff: Mike and the bots wait impatiently through the first few minutes of the film.

            Mike: “Just blow up and melt!”

Favorite Host Segment: Crow Directs Earth vs. Soup

#4: Track of the Moon Beast (Season 10, Episode 7) 

Maybe my favorite episode of season ten, which is saying something. I’m really into terrible horror movies, and this one is right up there. A man gets hit by a meteor that turns him into a weird lizard monster when the moon is full. Well, the costume kind of looks like they shaved a dollar store gorilla costume, but close enough! It’s kind of weird how much I love this episode and Melting Man, yet they didn’t make it into the top three. However, there’s a reason for that, as you’ll see by my actual top three.

Favorite Riff: The main character and his love interest stand on a hilltop overlooking New Mexico. He points to a very dim light off in the distance.

            Guy who will be a lizard monster: “That’s Albuquerque over there.”

            Servo: “Before electricity.”

Favorite Host Segment: SOL Legends of Rock

#3: The Pumaman (Season 9, Episode 3) 

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: some random American dude turns out to be a superhero chosen by the gods/aliens to be the protector of the Aztec people. Go figure! One of the most ineffectual superheroes to every grace a movie screen, Pumaman is such a goofy disaster that some members of the MST3K staff think that it was never supposed to be taken seriously. All I know is that there’s no reason a superhero called ‘The Pumaman’ should be able to fly or astral-project. Those aren’t in a puma’s wheelhouse.

Favorite Riff: After having faked his death to escape his responsibilities, Pumaman is confronted by his Aztec sidekick, Vadinho.

            Vadinho: “You’ve succeeded! They think you’re dead, and now they will leave you alone.”

            Mike: “To be left alone: the goal of every great hero!”

Favorite Host Segment: Mike Becomes Coati-mundi Man

#2: The Final Sacrifice (Season 9, Episode 10) 

Ok, but this is the FINAL Sacrifice! A Canadian student film with little to no budget, shot almost entirely in the Canadian wilderness, turned out to be one of the most popular episodes of MST3K’s entire run. Maybe it has something to do with whiny teenage protagonist Troy (possibly one of the worst main characters on the show’s history) and the drunken, mullet-clad actual protagonist of the movie, the man gifted with the funniest movie name of all time, Zap Rowsdower. Evil cults, ancient civilizations, and more backwoods shenanigans than you can shake a black ski mask at.

Favorite Riff: Shortly after Troy meets Canada’s national hero Zap Rowsdower:

            Crow: “So Rowsdower, is that a Stupid name, or…”

Favorite Host Segment:The Canada Song

#1: Space Mutiny (Season 8, Episode 20) 

So, this is probably the best episode of MST3K, in my opinion. The movie is the perfect blend of scenes taking themselves too seriously and other scenes being over-the-top stupid that the riffing becomes a free-for-all of incredible jokes. It introduces us to David Ryder, the Man of a Thousand Nicknames, who almost instantly becomes one of the funniest characters featured on any MST3K episode by screaming half of his lines. There’s almost no way for me to describe how funny this movie is, so if you only ever watch one episode from either list I’ve made, you should make it this one. Put your faith in Blast Hardcheese, and have a good holiday season!

Favorite Riff: Everything on David Ryder’s ship is going wrong.

            Ryder: “LOST POWER!”

            Mike: “Relax, you’re in your own room!”

Favorite Host Segment: Mike Has Some Tea