Happy holidays from the Satellite of Love! In honor of Revival House hosting several Rifftrax Christmas shorts this month, I thought I’d find an excuse to watch a whole lot of MST3K, the show where the guys from Rifftrax got their start in the fine art of making fun of movies. This list is all about the creator of MST3K Joel Hodgson, who hosted the show from its humble beginnings on public-access in Minnesota, until the middle of its fifth season on Comedy Central. Look out sometime in the near future for my list of favorite Mike Nelson episodes.
(Note: This is not a ‘best episodes’ list. If anyone has other favorite episodes, leave a comment!)
Honorable Mentions: Monster a Go-Go (Season 4, Episode 21) & Manos, The Hands of Fate (Season 4, Episode 24): Two of the worst movies ever to be put to film. One a movie passed from director and editor in a desperate attempt to put something together, the other a movie made by a manure salesman on a bet. While both of these episodes are considered classic, neither of them are very fun to watch, mainly due to the absolute dreadfulness of the movies involved. Only for the truly initiated, these episodes still deserve a mention on any list of MST3K episodes.
Favorite Riff:
- Narrator: “There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics.”
- Tom Servo: “Oops.”(Monster a Go-Go)
- Joel: “You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone’s last-known photograph.” (Manos, The Hands of Fate)
Favorite Host Segment:
- The Invention Exchange Competition (Monster a Go-Go) and Joel Becomes The Master (Manos, The Hands of Fate)
#10: Warrior of The Lost World (Season 5, Episode 1)
A story of the love between a man and his talking motorcycle. Oh, it’s also a bad Mad Max rip-off starring Robert Ginty (un-affectionately referred to as The Paper Chase Guy), Persis Khambatta (Star Trek: The Motion Picture), and Donald Pleasence as a generic evil Englishman. The post apocalypse was never so dull.
Favorite Riff:
- Joel: “Jimmy Carter is The Enforcer”
Favorite Host Segment:
#9: Wild Rebels (Season 2, Episode 7): A D-grade biker film with plenty of Nazi iconography thrown around for shock value, Wild Rebels is one of the breakout episodes of the second season, where MST3K earned its wings. Featuring Steve Alaimo (a forgotten 60’s teen heartthrob singer), a cast of nobodies and a schlocky romance subplot, Rebels manages to ride its way into my Top Ten.
Favorite Riff:
- (The sole woman biker of the group, planning to rob a bank, removes a syringe from her purse.)
- Servo: “What, she’s going to rob the place with a syringe?
- Crow: “Anybody moves, I get high.”
Favorite Host Segment:
#8: Teenagers from Outer Space (Season 4, Episode 4): Classic B-movie schlock at its finest. A film that features neither real teenagers nor any shots of outer space. Teenagers isn’t quite as bad as many of the other films offered up to the MST3K treatment, which maybe makes for a smoother watching experience. Just be careful what you say about the teenagers. They might shoot you with their toy gun and turn you into a prop skeleton!
Favorite Riff:
- Outer Space Teen Derek: “But I have learned how it once was. Families, brothers and sisters. There was happiness, there was love.”
- Joel: “Oh bite me, there was not!”
Favorite Host Segment:
#7: Fugitive Alien (Season 3, Episode 10): What do you do when you have a bunch of episodes of a Japanese sci-fi/space adventure TV show lying around, and you want to make a quick buck? You turn them into a poorly-dubbed TV movie, of course! Presented and dubbed by Sandy Frank, whose production and distribution company’s work was heavily featured during the third season, Fugitive Alien is considered by many to be one of a few classic episodes to come out of season three, a season considered by some to be one of Joel’s best.
Favorite Riff:
- Joel, Servo, and Crow, all in unison, when music kicks in during a chase scene after main character (Ken) is accosted by a forklift:
- “This is the song/written for the train chase/This is the song/Rocky and Ken/He tried to kill me with a forklift!/Óle!”
Favorite Host Segment:
#6: The Killer Shrews (Season 4, Episode 7): Quick, what’s the least scary animal you can think of? Did you say ‘shrew’? Well you’d be wrong. Especially when they’re the size of dogs, run like dogs, and are actually dogs with torn-up bathmats glued to them. Featuring several scenes of actors barely moving and drinking like fish and several hand-puppets, this oft-overlooked gem from season four is worth a watch.
Favorite Riff:
- Thorne, discussing the escape of the shrew-infested island: “You still feel the same way about it?”
- Love interest Anne: “Not as much. Not since you’re here, and know everything.”
- Joel: “I don’t know everything. I don’t even know how fish work.”
Favorite Host Segment:
#5: Earth vs. The Spider (Season 3, Episode 13): Collecting dust behind the real classics of ‘giant monsters that are really metaphors for nukes or Communism’ movies, there rests Earth vs. The Spider. Directed by MST3K regular Bert I. Gordon (get it, BIG?), this corny movie about teens and the local authorities mixing it up with giant arachnids spins a web that sticks in my top five, but it comes up short (I’ll see myself out) to another B.I.G film coming up on the list.
Favorite Riff:
- In the first scene of the film, a man drives a truck down a lonesome road.
- Servo: “Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I drive a truck, I’m butt-ugly, and I hate spiders.”
Favorite Host Segment:
#4: I Accuse My Parents (Season 5, Episode 7): Oh boy, it’s one of those movies whose entire point is to prove a poignant message. It even ends with a judge looking dead into the camera to deliver the film’s final lines. Even though main character (and essay contest winner) Jimmy’s problems mostly come from his inability to not lie any chance he gets, his parents get shown up in front of a whole courtroom of their peers. Oh well, at least it makes for some garbage-level melodrama.
Favorite Riff:
- A bunch of kids stand around discussing what they’re going to do for homecoming.
- Servo: “I’m going to build a blimp to fight the Nazis!”
Favorite Host Segment:
#3: The Amazing Colossal Man (Season 3, Episode 9): The Notorious Bert I. Gordon is back! Another fine vintage from his ‘giant monsters’ collection, this time about a 50-foot man created accidentally by a new type of bomb. Major Glenn Manning whines about his condition for half the film, then goes on a rampage through Las Vegas where he kills someone who was trying to stop him from growing anymore. What a big whiny jerk. This was an episode that surprised me with how high it climbed up the ranks when I put this list together. Thanks to an incredibly solid riff session by Joel and the bots, The Amazing Colossal Man towers over some real heavyweights (last time, I promise).
Favorite Riff:
- In a meeting of top army brass and the creator of the bomb, some film of the bomb tests is shown.
- Bomb maker: “Here’s another building. First burned, then disintegrated. There’s Manning.”
- Crow: “First burned, then disintegrated.”
Favorite Host Segment:
#2: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (Season 3, Episode 21): A Christmas classic? Martians come to Earth to seek out a half-insane Santa Claus to come make toys for their children. Except one of the Martians hates Santa’s guts. Also, some dumb kids get kidnapped, one of which thinks that the U.S. has the capability to chase after a ship escaping to Mars. When people talk about MST3K, this is an episode people point to as a classic of Joel’s tenure as captain of the ship, for a very good reason. It only misses out as my number one pick because of another classic.
Favorite Riff:
- The leader of the Martians chews out one of his crew for sleeping on the job.
- Martian ruler Kimar: “Droppo, you’re the laziest man on Mars! Why are you sleeping during your work?
- Joel: “Because I’m the laziest man on Mars!”
Favorite Host Segment:
#1: Mitchell (Season 5, Episode 12): Everybody’s favorite drunken, sleazy, incompetent detective! Mitchell is in a class almost of its own, being one of the overall best episodes of MST3K, regardless of host or season. Featuring the passing of the torch between creator Joel Hodgson and the head writer and new host Mike Nelson, this episode at the time was the catalyst of countless of people either abandoning MST3K forever (without Joel, what was there to like?) or becoming even more deeply entrenched in their love for it. What people can’t argue is that this episode is near perfect in its movie choice, riffing, and host segments. And with this, we say goodbye to Joel, and hello to future Rifftrax creator Mike Nelson, the subject of both our upcoming Revival House show and of my next top ten. Hope to see you at both!
Favorite Riff:
- Joel and the bots are watching a very slow scene of Mitchell tailing someone.
- Servo: “This is what I’ll remember when I think of the movie Mitchell. And I will think of it.”
Favorite Host Segment:
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A view from the crew at The Revival House, where we don't mind popcorn on the seats, sticky floors, and all the things that make going to the movies an event.
