Aging in your own home brings challenges

My aunt and uncle are determined to live out their lives in their own home in Johnson City, Tenn. She is 91. He is 89. They have been together for 67 years.

He has difficulty walking, and a few weeks ago, she fell and is recovering from hip replacement. For the first time in their entire lives, they are not capable of taking care of each other without assistance.

The book “Being Mortal,” by author and surgeon Atul Gawande, describes the needs of his aging patients and the role that healthcare providers play in helping everyone make the best decisions.

"I never expected that among the most meaningful experiences I'd have as a doctor - and really as a human being - would come from helping others deal with what medicine cannot do as well as what it can," he said.

Like most people, my aunt and uncle want to remain together in their own home as long as possible. With the aid of the VA hospital and their own money, home healthcare services are scheduled next week for three hours a day. How much help can happen in three hours? It has taken me 12 hours a day for the last week to meet their basic needs.

They need help to dress themselves, grocery shop, drive a car, fix meals, bathe, and use the bathroom or steps without falling.

I know my friends are experiencing or already have experienced the same painful decisions, and every family has their own story. Who helps? When do they help? How do they help? What if those being helped refuse to accept it?

The good news is that my aunt and uncle and family are discussing their options honestly after experiencing a disaster trying to ascend the stairs to get to their own bed. Tonight we agreed I will make up the sofa bed in the living room downstairs, and it will remain set up.

They can afford to add more hours to their home care company, but they would rather beckon me. I am not willing to move into the house permanently, but I can make frequent visits.

We just watched an episode of “The Golden Girls,” and I laughed out loud at the feisty character Sophia Petrillo (Estelle Getty), who says to her daughter, Gloria (Bea Arthur) and her sister, who is visiting from California, "You two get to fight over who gets to keep me? Do you know how that makes an 80-year-old mother feel?" They all smile, and the episode ends happily ever after.

Sophia rules the household and doesn't need help yet, but eventually all of us will. We all wonder how life will end when it becomes our turn to need help. Reading “Being Mortal” has helped me to be more patient and to honor my aunt and uncle by respecting their wishes as best I can.

Sonia calls him Mr. Honey. He asks her, "Are you OK?" She answers him if she's wearing her hearing aids.

They need to sleep in the same bed together. And for now I can grant that request. I don't know how much longer they can live here. As I turned off their light last night Sonia asked, "Mr. Honey, did you put my hearing aids on the side table?"

"Yes, I did." He smiled.

This afternoon, we will move their clothes downstairs where they can access them. Today, that's the best the three of us can do.