Daylight saving time saves my social life

We are more than thrilled that this weekend is the start of daylight saving time. That means we can set our clocks ahead an hour, which gives us more light to see what we already suspected: We still can’t find out where we parked our car. The last time I tried to search for my car in the dark, what I found was a black cockroach the size of my SUV.

Of course I had to beat it to death with my shoe, drawing a large crowd. Black cockroach, black SUV, you can see how one could make a mistake, especially with global warming and the invention of color television.

And it will be no surprise to find out that our appearance has changed over those long, dark winter days. Some women, though, will be taken aback to discover the scarf they’ve been wrapping around their neck before they head out into the cold, with the extra daylight, turns out to be a mustache they’ve been growing since November. The last time I saw something like this was at my cousin Bonita’s wedding. It was a great topic of conversation on the groom’s side of the aisle.

Your skin has changed also. It now has the consistency of an armadillo’s, which I know is not a fair characterization. Armadillos actually have smoother skin, and it is not so mustard-yellow in color. Yours is more like a wallet that’s been backed over by a car.

Darkness also depresses our mood. So it is no wonder that the cute coworker has been giving you the cold shoulder when you’ve asked him out for a drink after work. With extra daylight, it’s too late to realize you’ve been carrying on and blowing kisses to the coatrack.

Because I have such poor vision, when it gets dark anyway, I go into what is called night blindness, with little peripheral vision.

That means when I’m driving I have a lot of trouble knowing the difference between a buffalo on fire galloping down the highway and the red lights atop a police car flashing as it follows me to the police station.

Oh, I‘ve tried all kinds of eyewear. You know, different lenses, different frames, and they seem fine in the eyeglass store. But the minute I get outside, I can’t see a thing. I usually have to wear my glasses on a slant on top of my nose so they’re tilted at the right angle to read the word cow in a foreign language. These glasses are progressive bifocals; the only thing progressive about them is they will tend to make you trip over smaller objects than your old pair of glasses.

Of course, it is not just a driving problem for many folks during the night hours when the sun sets so early for us. It can be a social problem as well. I’ve been to social gatherings where people are sort of spaces of black protoplasm, much like in the movie “The Blob.” They move around, and I just follow voices. I once had a discussion on the pros and cons of saving the rain forest with what I discovered later was an air-conditioning unit.

To me, daylight saving time is like having cataract surgery. I no longer have to grope my way to my car after work. I no longer have to call 9-1-1 because the brake lights of the car in front of me resemble a red-haired person lying in the middle of the road. It’s going to mean freedom from talking to shrubbery and inanimate objects.

Of course, it also means being an hour late for everything, and a full makeover. But I think it’s worth it, and I say let there be light, albeit dim.