It's time to impress the relatives with your holiday card

it is time to deal with those holiday greeting cards. This is a Christmas classic. It’s especially important to relay a message to your friends and other family members. That message depicts everyone in your personal family and life as being a success. The sky’s the limit on bragging rights here.

I don’t care if the kids are in a penitentiary serving time; the card can easily state that those crazy kids have decided to take a semester away to further their education at an institution of higher learning and will be eligible for graduation in four to six years.

I know adult kids who are barely getting by on Hooked on Phonics and yet somehow the photo enclosed shows them in front of an ivy-covered building. The key here is the sign indicating it’s the Governor’s Mansion is hidden by shrubbery. Everything is about perception at this point.

Perhaps the card I dread the most though is the Christmas newsletter. Now I know there are folks out there who send wonderful, thoughtful holiday letters at this time of the year. The letters are short and full of interesting updates. But the sender is also thoughtful in that they mail them to people they are intimately acquainted with and who would find the newsletter informative. After reading one of these, most folks have the same response, “Who are these people anyway?”

Typically, I will get one of these from a relative whom I haven’t seen in years, mostly because I thought they had passed away, and I could swear I attended their funeral. They describe the family tree as if it were a thesis paper on a genetic pattern. Naturally, the only thing missing here is their family on the cover of Time Magazine, as one of the hundred most influential people in America, although there are hints if you read between the lines.

Of course if you plan well enough ahead, you can send out one of my favorites, which is your own holiday greeting card with a photograph on the front. It is a must that everyone in the photo has to be wearing the same Norwegian hand-knit sweater, have identical capped teeth, and there are at least seven blazing fireplaces in the background.

Sometimes it’s worth your while to just substitute a very good-looking family that lives in the neighborhood on the front of your card; your family wouldn’t recognize you anyway and you hardly have any friends. Heck, you could probably use a celebrity and no one would know the difference. And today you can photoshop mug shots. Carefully white out the police ID number and you are good to go.

I like cards that are personalized, myself. This does take some effort. But if you’ve had it up to here with the newsletters of kids who have split the atom, simply follow these steps. You will have to hire someone from a biker gang who has bulging muscles and is covered with tattoos. I scout out abandoned houses until I find one that is barely standing upright. Then I rent out a couple of Doberman Pinschers; make sure they have those spiked choke collars around their neck.

Now once I have the cast assembled, Bubba and I pose with the dogs in front of the house. Oh yeah, I black out some of my teeth and don a spangled tube top, very important detail. The message always reads, “Happy Holidays,” and then I hand write, “Six Pack and me were so impressed with your card, we’ll be dropping by as soon as the dogs are neutered.” It’s good to reach out and touch someone by mail during these holidays, even if it is a pretend family.