The eternal question - what to wear?

Now that we are heading into the midterm elections, we can all get back to the real issue facing us, what to wear this winter.

I don’t know about you, but whenever I open the closet to peruse the side for the upcoming season, the only real conclusion I can come to is that I must have left town for the duration. There is nothing there. Of course it’s also possible I have the wrong house, but I really don’t care what the police reports says; that only happened once.

In an effort to appear like I have some taste (and that’s quite an effort), I like to keep readers abreast of the latest trends. And this year’s hottest look is leggings. Jeans are out, and stretch pants are in. I think pajamas and slippers are still the look for airport attire, though.

But these leggings now come in all colors and patterns, such as polka dots and leopard prints; you name it and the high-fashion gals will be wearing it. At least that’s what I’ve read, which isn’t easy, since most fashion magazines weigh the equivalent of a leftover armament from World War II.

The choice of leggings for this year’s look is unfortunate for people with my body type. Naturally, this style is form-fitting and snug. I happen to have legs that without any kind of covering look like a driveway of stones that is half done. I’m not saying it’s gravelly, but you definitely would have it repaved with cement. Asphalt is nice also.

Apparently the only people who don’t have to worry about what they wear are people like Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and his supermodel wife Giselle; both are ridiculously handsome. In fact, it is so un-American to look this good, Congress is considering passing a law. They are not sure what kind of law; I think it has to do with boats.

I know it is hard to understand because you are probably one of those winter people who can find gloves in a box marked “gloves,” on the top shelf, categorized by color on the right-hand side of your closet. It goes without saying you have it cross-indexed on a card in a file cabinet in your office also.

Well, some of us can’t even spell accessories, let alone find them. All I can say is that I drove the whole winter last year with my fingertips on the steering wheel! Gloves are like socks; you can always find one, but not the matching other, or even worse, sometimes a finger is missing on them.

When I was young, which was just recently, no matter how cold it was outside, I could get around with no covering on my legs and open-toed, high-heel shoes.

I constantly wore a smart short coat with brass buttons down the front, a cute belt in the back and no insulation or lining. I had a color-coordinated hat and matching glove set. Sure, I was wearing this inside the building; I’m not stupid enough to go outside where my teeth would chatter like those fake false teeth your uncle was always leaving on your seat in church as a joke.

But as I got older, which was just last week, the winter coat got longer and the legs disappeared under layers of thick industrial hemp-like fabric. My look could best be described as the couture line from Nanook of the North. My coat would have enough insulation to provide enough heat to hatch a nest of bald eagles. And if I took my hat off, people invariably dropped change into it and wished me luck.

Cold weather means the holidays, and that also means visiting families. Trust me, the slightest indication of you choosing comfort over fashion and before you know it, a stranger will be saying, “We’ll take good care of her.”

Now, men fare much better here. For some reason, they can look like a complete cyclone; they can have holes in their sweater, mismatched shoes or even a coat on backward and it’s, well, just Dad. Perhaps it’s the only way they’ve known him to dress.

So choose your wardrobe carefully this winter, ladies. You’ll have to try to be dignified yet stylish in those gale winds and plunging temperatures. Notice I said try, not that you could actually pull this off.