Figuring out how to vote is easier than updating your winter wardrobe

If you’re sick and tired of all the election hoopla, feel free to focus on the really vital issue now facing us – what to wear this winter.

I don’t know about you, but whenever I open the closet to peruse the side for the upcoming season, the only real conclusion I can come to is that I must have left town for the duration. There is nothing there. 

In an effort to appear like I have some taste, and that’s quite an effort, I like to keep readers abreast of the latest trends. And this year’s hottest look is leggings. Jeans are still in, as are stretch pants. I think pajamas and slippers are still the look for airport attire, though.

But these leggings now come in all colors and patterns, such as polka dots and leopard prints; you name it and the high-fashion gals will be wearing it. At least that’s what I’ve read, which isn’t easy since most fashion magazines weigh the equivalent of a leftover armament from World War II.

This choice of leggings for this year’s look is unfortunate for people with my body type. Naturally, this style is form-fitting and snug. I happen to have legs that without any kind of covering look like a driveway of stones that is half done. I’m not saying it’s gravelly, but you definitely would have it repaved with cement. Asphalt is nice also. To top it all off, my head appears almost as an afterthought, much like that red pop-up plug in a Butterball turkey.

Apparently, the only people who don’t have to worry about what they wear are people who are ridiculously handsome. In fact, it is so un-American to look this good, Congress is considering passing a law. They are not sure what kind of law; I think it has to do with boats.

I know it is hard to understand being disorganized. You are probably one of those winter people who can find gloves categorized by color in a box marked “gloves” on the top shelf of the right-hand side of your closet.

Well, some of us can’t even spell accessories, let alone find them. All I can say is that I drove the whole winter last year with my bare fingertips on the steering wheel! Gloves are like socks – you can always find one, but not the matching other, or even worse, sometimes a finger is missing on them. 

This is when your leg attire will be crucial. When I was young, which was just recently, no matter how cold it was outside, I could get around with no covering on my legs and open-toed, high-heeled shoes. I constantly wore a smart short coat with brass buttons down the front, a cute belt in the back and no insulation or lining. I had a color-coordinated hat and matching glove set. Sure, I was wearing this inside the building; I’m not stupid enough to go outside where my teeth would chatter like those fake false teeth your uncle was always leaving on your seat in church as a joke.

But as I got older, which was just last week, the winter coat got longer and the legs disappeared under layers of thick industrial hemp-like fabric. My look could best be described as Nanook of the North. My coat would have enough insulation to trap ample heat to hatch a nest of bald eagles. And if I took my hat off, people invariably dropped change into it and wished me luck. Clerks can now tell your age just by looking at your legs.

Now, men fare much better here. For some reason, they can look like a complete cyclone; they can have holes in their sweater, mismatched shoes or even a coat on backward, and it’s well, just Dad. Perhaps it’s the only way they’ve known him to dress. 

So, choose your wardrobe carefully this winter, ladies. You’ll have to try to be dignified yet stylish in those gale winds, plunging temperatures and virus restrictions. Notice I said try – not that you could actually pull this off.