Everyone loves a wedding. Unless, of course, they are paying for it, which at this point in time may rival the starting salary of a National Football League first-round draft pick.
But this year is a little different – the shutdown of gatherings and businesses due to the potentially lethal coronavirus has put an uncertainty to all kinds of plans, including weddings. Still, it used to be an exciting day and took a lot of planning.
Come on, who would miss the opportunity to be present where two families come together to witness a couple participate in a meaningful ceremony, which will culminate at the end of a long day in a food fight complete with guacamole flying across the tables? It can resemble a legislative session in the Venezuelan assembly.
If that’s not enough, it might be their last chance to hear the most nauseating lyrics in history, as guests groan during the first dance to, “Precious and few are the moments ...”
But it wasn’t all bad. Destination weddings were the latest trend. And hopefully they will continue, with beautiful sunsets and clear ocean waves as a backdrop. They created a wonderful photo op. Not for you, since your budget calls for a backdrop of city hall. Unfortunately, sometimes a person wearing handcuffs and sitting on a bench gets into those pictures.
But the biggest headache was always the guest list. No document in the history of mankind has been so contentious as this piece of paper that will be crossed out, inked over, shredded and spit upon like a common criminal. Well, maybe the Congressional Record.
This is where a lot of the planning took so much time. Oh, it started out reasonably enough. You know, the families split the numbers down the middle. There were so many guests allotted for the bride’s side and so many guests for the groom’s side. This is the A List. Family comes first, but when you get into the bio mom and dad or the stepparents, and throw in those who have dropped restraining orders, well, it can get tricky.
Then there is the B list of guests. These are the people to be called upon if someone declines an invitation. You wouldn’t want an empty church, after all. This is never a problem, since these people will attend anything at the drop of a hat if there is free food and alcohol. Also, there are plenty of folks out on the highway that you can just corral into the church.
But once all reason has gone by the wayside, there is the actual ceremony itself. Well, that and a few other things like the caterer, florists, engravers, tailors, dresses, people who make the little figures on top of the cake, the band, the napkin people, and we can’t forget the wedding planner.
Anyway, that big day finally arrives when the couple stands in front of their family and friends to exchange a lifetime commitment to each other. It’s a sobering occasion. Well, at least until the reception.
I know the groom’s family sits down front on one side of the aisle. Most of them are awestruck by the solemn, intimate details, like the one long strand of hair sticking out from the side of the bride’s neck. And of course the bride’s family is just as overwhelmed, mostly by the fact that she was able to find the only deadbeat in the county to wed.
Yet it’s not all as bad as I paint it to be, or used to be. You just have to figure how to get to Vegas during the shutdown.
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Nancy Katz has a degree in creative writing and is the author of the book, "Notes from the Beach." She has written the column Around Town for the Cape Gazette for twenty years. Her style is satirical and deals with all aspects of living in a resort area on Delmarva.
