And Now, a Musical Interlude

My career as a lyricist has been brief…mostly penning rhymes for songs in our children’s theatre musicals (such as the immortal Little Goldy and the Three Riding Bears). I did collaborate with Steve on some of the numbers in Flight (a musical we worked on decades ago, about the life of eccentric billionaire Howard Hughes—that one was NOT for kids). But I do enjoy lyric writing—especially parodies of existing songs. The modern master, of course, is Randy Rainbow, whose output of witty take-offs is really prodigious. 

My grandma was a music teacher in New York City, and her specialty was staging operettas. I wish I’d seen one of her productions, which starred junior high-aged kids from the mean streets of Manhattan’s Lower East Side. Apparently, she worked wonders. One of her retirement gifts was a set of figurines based on characters of The Mikado. 

In tribute to Florence Cunningham, then, my version of The Lord High Executioner’s big number in that show. Note: composers G&S actually ENCOURAGED updating it! So here we go…

“I’ve Got a Little List” from The Mikado (sorta)

(apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan)

As someday it may happen that a victim must be found

I’ve got a little list (I’ve got a little list)

Of society’s offenders who might well be underground

And who never would be missed (they never would be missed)

There’s the pestilential influencer on the internet

Who makes a fortune telling you the stuff you need to get

And the neighbor with his noisy blowers for the leaves and snow

He really has to go (he really has to go)

And whoever writes those ads for medications on TV

I hope that they will flee (with all their pharmacology)

There’s the Nana with her endless photos of her baby grands

Who brags and brags for hours but she never understands

That a sympathetic listener’s impossible to find...

I’m that Nana! Never mind! (I mean it—never mind!)

There’s the shopper with 12 items in the line for 10 or less

The litterers who leave the city streets in such a mess

By now you’ve got the gist (they’d none of them be missed)

And if I could wave a magic wand and make them go away

I’d vanish every sportscaster and every play-by-play

And whoever wrote the music you endure when you’re on hold

Plus the never-ending pollsters and the ever-useless polled

They’re also on my list (their predictions always missed)

It’s a shame so many humans are annoying to the max

I wish that I could charge them all a giant nuisance tax

Then wave goodbye as they are launched far into outer space

They wouldn’t leave a trace (just the smile upon my face)

So to stay upon my good side, you must try not to forgetta

The duds of which I sing in this delightful operetta

Lest you become a number on my not-so-little list

My very lengthy list!

Gilbert and–Seyfried? What do you think?