Five handy shortcuts for making the most of the holidays

Our sleepy little wintertime town isn’t all that sleepy any more. More and more Rehoboth Beach restaurants stay open for the winter, offering special deals on holiday buffets, parties and take-home dinners for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s and all the rest. All that fun stuff is just around the corner, so in accordance with my ongoing community outreach, The Business of Eating is poised to guide you through the upcoming culinary minefield. After much research (often followed by plop plop, fizz fizz) I have compiled five surefire rationalizations to help get you through the holidays. One of my favorite newspaper columnists here at the beach defines rationalization as “rigging the conclusion.” But sometimes conclusion-rigging just tastes better. So, here goes: 

1. You don’t gain weight if you eat while standing over the sink. Since most of us sit while eating, it is therefore an irrefutable fact that sitting is fattening. So it follows that food consumed while hovering vertically over the sink bypasses the stomach. After all, it’s not really a “meal” meal, right? Or at least that’s what we believe while tucking into that turkey leg we squirrelled away while everybody else was ogling the pie. 

2. Food from somebody else’s plate contains no calories. We used to dine with a friend who insisted that we not order garlic bread because it was “too much.” So we would dutifully order just enough for ourselves. The attack that followed was chillingly reminiscent of the roast-on-a-rope scene from Jaws (but without the ominous music). We were lucky to escape with all limbs intact. We have yet to taste the garlic bread from that eatery. 

3. Appetizers don’t count. This is music to the ears of those who appreciate crunchy mozzarella sticks, cheezy potato skins, fried mac ‘n’ cheese and pretty much anything wrapped in bacon. “Oh, I’m on a diet. I’ll just get a couple of appetizers.” This also applies to “small plates” and “tapas.” Call them what you will, but annihilating four appetizers/small plates/tapas isn’t any daintier than just ordering an entrée (or two). And it certainly has no connection to the mysterious shrinkage of your clothes. We usually blame that on the, uh … humidity … here at the beach. 

4. Eat what you want as long as you do it in the dark when nobody’s looking. If a tree falls in the forest and nobody’s there to hear it, it doesn’t make a sound, right? Same thing with noshing in private. My columnist friend calls it “secret eating.” I call it “fun.” Call it what you want, calories get confused in the dark. Wise eaters know how to take advantage of that. 

5.  Exclaiming, “Oh, my goodness, I’ll never be able to eat all that!” within six nanoseconds of the arrival of your food at the table instantly reduces the caloric content by 90 percent. Just hope nobody’s looking when the server wrestles the plate – empty and spotless – from your trembling hands. 

If you made it this far, then you probably agree that eating at the beach can be fun. So many goodies that we don’t have to drive far to enjoy. And conveniently eaten while standing up. Or furtively filched from a neighboring plate. No wonder we like it here. 

The holidays are looming, so take everything in moderation, including moderation. To that end, keep an eye on Cape Gazette, RehobothFoodie.com and your favorite restaurant’s website to see all the holiday specials waiting for us. So many choices, so little time. Especially when you’re eating in the dark.