Lately, I’ve run into a lot of people on the street who’ve said to me, “Nan, I feel that something is definitely missing in my life; it’s like a deep void.” I nodded in agreement, for I’ve seen this syndrome before. The eyes are glazed over and the skin is milk white. The lips look waxed. Yes, the cardboard flakes in the hair are a dead giveaway.
The problem is since we have been held captive by this virus, we have spent too much time watching television. And there is nothing on television that doesn’t start with the words global warming or impeachment.
Of course, you can always turn on the television just for the news, which runs 24 hours a day, even if the TV is unplugged. This can be expensive. With all the arguing, yelling, finger-pointing and opinions that defy logic by political experts, those antidepressants and mood elevators you have to purchase can add up, and I hear therapy may be even more costly.
I used to enjoy any television series that had at least a chalk outline of a body, always in a backstreet alley. You never found out who did it until the very end. But then again, I couldn’t pick myself out of a police lineup, so I kind of gave up on those programs.
Last year, I found a different kind of television show to fill that void. Not only am I addicted to it, but it has had a lasting effect on my behavior, which has become quite alarming to my family.
These are the shows that demolish homes that look like they have been built in Area 51 with leftover parts from a UFO that crash-landed. They are rebuilt into glamorous three-bedroom, two-bathroom homes that look like they have been through atomic testing, but now have a view of a forest. The contractors do stuff like move walls, move bathrooms, take down fireplaces, add porches, put on new roofs, add landscaping and glass-enclose spider-infested basements.
When everything is finished, only then does the lucky couple get to see all the work the experts have done. It’s always a surprise, since the homeowner only wanted the inside of the house repainted. Not only that, but they have decided they couldn’t wait any longer and the marriage dissolved months ago.
Those people watching at home know that their own houses are dated and obsolete. They feel like they have to run out and redecorate the whole house. A few of these shows and anyone’s house will never be thought of the same; it’s just not good enough.
It's the accents in the decorating that ensnare you. First, I found myself building a white picket fence that hangs on the wall and doubles as a chalk board. Once I began to use an electric saw, I couldn’t stop. Any piece of wood would do.
I began to weave baskets for soaps and utensils. All bathrooms had folded white towels with lily-of-the-valley green stem cuttings tied with a ribbon on top. White is in today. I also started to haunt junkyards and the town dump. A rusted-out wheel over the doorway can make a huge impression if you have the perfect soldering tool. Bandages and burn ointment can be purchased later from your local pharmacy.
Once again, I knew the void in my life was finally starting to close in when I found a yarn life-size image of a political figure, which I re-knitted into a round basket of apples. I filled my house with glass jars that housed such things as dust and air vapor.
Remember, design is everything, but a sledgehammer and a blowtorch are essential. I promise, I am seeking help. Well, as soon as I finish the six-foot reindeer made out of clamshells. Oh yeah, and when the election is over.
-
Nancy Katz has a degree in creative writing and is the author of the book, "Notes from the Beach." She has written the column Around Town for the Cape Gazette for twenty years. Her style is satirical and deals with all aspects of living in a resort area on Delmarva.
