Good luck weathering the coming political storms

It’s not often that I bring up politics, even though this is a hotly contested political party year. People today are so passionate and emotional about their informed political views, which they have mostly deduced from reading the backs of cereal boxes and the tabloids. To even bring up your political preference for a particular party, well it’s like being in a crowded saloon in the Old West, surrounded by a bunch of drunken cowboys, announcing you are from New York City, and yelling, “Chardonnay for everyone!”

You may have noticed that during a political season, nothing in your house will work. I know I shouldn’t be so quick to blame, but it has to be a political thing. My computer went down, and once that was fixed, the printer went off; after that was hooked up, the cable went out, and finally by the end of the day, the garage door was stuck halfway down on top of my car. The only reasonable thing left to do was obvious; just go out and buy a boat.

Now, I’m not saying it was a political party’s fault, but it has to be someone’s fault, at least according to the talking heads on the media. Everything is under investigation. Someone did it. However, let’s not lose our minds and for heaven’s sake actually do anything about it. Turn it over to the Department of Justice where it will sit untouched until aliens from outer space in the next century find it in an archeological dig.

Now, you can learn a lot by watching television, which is why I don’t tune in to the evening news. Instead I watch one of those scientific NOVA shows about the migration of the birds and mollusks to find a mate. These species travel hundreds of miles and endure extreme hardships along the way. They have to escape prey and still soldier on. You know this is true because it is always narrated by someone with a deep voice. Political shows have even driven voters to take up scuba diving. It’s the only place where there is peace and quiet. None of the fish have ridiculous shrieking political arguments.

Sure, there are interesting facts to come out during these discussions. The networks intersperse advertisements with announcements about the most intimate parts of your body and what to do when something goes radically wrong – and it always goes wrong when it involves the intimate parts of your body. Anyway, at some point, it is difficult to decide whether you need a plumber or a cork from a bottle. Don’t even bother consulting your physician, since most physicians are now working for NOVA.

One of the issues politicians seem to ignore is just how difficult it is to get a bill through Congress. You can make all the promises you want, but achieving the intricacies of wheeling and dealing to make it happen are well, just that, wheeling and dealing.

For instance, suppose you wanted to enact a law where every parking meter in the country would be banned. This is just a hypothetical question and has nothing to do with me personally, even though the meter man threatened me with a 10:13.

Anyway, as I understand it, once a bill is introduced, Congress immediately calls for a recess so they may go out and hold nonstop press conferences to explain their positions. The most exciting part of the press conferences is all the pants that catch on fire.

I’m not suggesting that Congress doesn’t get anything done, because in the end they all agree to pass a bill that would demand fire extinguishers be available for every press conference and the parking meter will not be banned, unless another bridge to nowhere is included in the bill.

My advice would be to stay informed about politics as much as possible. Know a candidate and a party’s position, bone up on the current laws and put your own agenda first. Then head to the nearest scuba diving shop. Buckle up, people; the blame game is just beginning.