It’s too late to avoid the last-ditch summer guests

They will come unannounced in the middle of the night, according to the calendar. These are folks you haven't seen in years, people you just met for five seconds at a truck stop on the turnpike, relatives who look like they normally don't have a pulse, and in-laws still clutching their hot-water bottles. They all will descend on your home like an army of new recruits of black ants. 

They are, of course, the House Guests from Hell. Sure, it's the start of August, and you were just hoping that maybe you would have a little time before their summer visit. Well, that hope has sailed. The sign is in the star which is glowing brightly over your house. 

So buckle up; you can get through this, but you will need to prepare as for any other battle. You have to remind yourself, these are times that call for a warrior mentality. You've done it on the road, in waiting rooms, circling for parking spaces, and now it's your home. 

First, it will be necessary to order a dumpster immediately; there is quite a demand at this time of year, and with good reason. Your dining room table will disappear under a mound of skateboards, wet towels, shoes, beach umbrellas and the occasional child whose head has been super-glued to your teak finish.

No one will claim these items until December and then it will be in the form of an incredulous accusation, so keep the dumpster outside the dining room window for easy disposal. Eating over the sink eventually gets easier. 

The cable company should have been called for an appointment sometime around April; they are booked solid, so it might be too late. Hopefully, someone will take pity on you, particularly if you Instagram them a photo of yourself wearing your underwear on the outside of your clothes. This isn't too much of a stretch, since this is your normal attire when driving on Route 1 on a Saturday afternoon anyway. 

You will need this appointment since your cable system will never be the same after the House Guests from Hell leave; that is, if you can get them to leave. Selling the house with them in it is always an option. 

In line with these obstacles, make sure your medical insurance is up to date.

After you trip more than a couple hundred times over all the cable cords hooked up to every outlet in the house (since every modern house guest is connected 24/7 to some form of Wi-Fi, iPhone or iPad), the muscles in your legs and the bones in your ankles are weak enough to cause a break just by sneezing. Control of your bladder has long ago failed. Fortunately, we live in a country where any medical or psychiatric condition caused by a visit from the House Guests from Hell is covered by insurance. 

Also, be prepared for your utility and phone bills to skyrocket. The phone will be in constant use; important people like parole officers have to be called on a daily basis, and it takes an enormous amount of power to cut those monitoring ankle bracelets off. Lights are mostly kept burning so your house resembles an all-night liquor store; the only thing missing is the blinking "Open" sign.

You actually might have one if your guest belongs to a fraternity. Don't be surprised if the heat and air conditioning are on simultaneously, with all the doors and windows open, as thermostats are frequently in conflict depending on the ages of the house guests. 

It's too late now, but postcards announcing you are in the Federal Witness Protection Program should have gone out before the season even started. You never listen though, do you? By the end of July, your power to reason has been reduced to that of a jar of mayonnaise, so just follow the hints listed above or just call it a day and go fishing. They are coming regardless.