Santa, please don’t give me this stuff

Dear Santa,

Some things in life remain constant, including the fact that you have consistently agreed to not give me what I don’t want for Christmas. 

I still need your help. There are some new golf gifts this year that I would love to not find under my tree.

Sometimes it is just a matter of good sense – in this case, my sense of smell. 

There is a 9-ounce soy wax golf candle, now available at etsy.com for $14.97, discounted from its previous $29.95 price. The seller claims the candle has a 40-hour burn time and the label says it “smells like a slightly above average golfer.” However, I don’t know any such golfer whose scent combines patchouli oil and roses, which this candle features.

I’m fine with roses, but the smell of patchouli oil never agreed with me, even during an experimental phase 50 years ago.

And speaking of weed culture, some folks are sufficiently emboldened nowadays to offer this Fore20 golf ball pipe at etsy.com for $22.36.

The golf ball body of the pipe is real, and the seller offers several brand-name options. I am sure those companies are totally cool with being an uninvited part of a marijuana delivery system. 

The ad copy says the pipe is very functional and makes a great gift. 

Not in my world, thanks.

I am all about staying hydrated while golfing, and so are my golf buddies. However, that doesn’t mean I am OK with the Wasted Wedge drinking wedge. 

Sold at etsy.com for $69, the patented design attached four one-shot cup holders onto the steel shaft of a golf club. It comes with 50 disposable shot cups that fit in the holders, perfect for birdie juice celebrations and such. As the marketing photo shows, the idea is to have the foursome down their shots in one communal celebratory move. 

Sounds OK for one shot, but I seriously doubt all four players could do it again for the third, fourth or even fifth shots, even assuming the birdies kept coming.

These wedges ship from New Jersey, which somehow makes perfect sense.

Also related to the Garden State, I have no interest in a Jersey Boss Magnetic Golf Ball Marker, sold at etsy.com for $8.

The metal and enamel device measures 1.2 inches wide and works with magnetic clip tools. The artwork bears a striking resemblance to the late James Gandolfini, whose character in “The Sopranos” enjoyed playing golf.

The ad copy says the marker “is sure to grab peoples’ attention,” but perhaps not in the way you might like.

If you somehow find yourself playing with a Jersey Boss, however, I strongly suggest you not let him or his men catch you using the Ankle Cheater, now sold at etsy.com for $11.99.

A plastic clip holds a golf ball just inside the bottom hem of your golf pants, ready to release it when you lose your original ball in the high stuff or among the trees.

A note in the ad reminds purchasers, “This device is meant for fun and entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to be used for actual cheating, but rather for a lighthearted joke to play on friends or fellow golfers!”

Happy for the clarification, but thanks anyway.

This is the time of year that I use the many previously enjoyed golf balls I found throughout the past spring and summer. The folks at etsy.com seem to think I should hold onto some of them as part of a gift package of my own.

The Crappy Golf Balls Gag Gift is itself a remarkable bit of chutzpah, if you ask me. The self-sealing bag features a two-sided label whose text insults the person receiving the gift of used golf balls. The label and its accompanying bag sell for $7.49, balls not included, proving once again the proverb about fools and their money.

Just amazing, and no thank you.

For the green-thumbed golfer out there, etsy.com is also offering this Golf Succulent Planter for $26. The planter is almost 6 inches high with a base about 4 ¼ inches wide, the same as a regulation golf hole. The hole in the golfer’s head that holds the plant is about 2 ½ inches, complete with a drain, so at best it’s good for a starter plant – which is not included. 

I might enjoy watching someone walk into a garden center with one of these planters to try to match it with the available plant options. Otherwise, this little garden gnome doesn’t do it for me.

I’m all for recycling, but sometimes folks push that bit of virtue signaling too far. The maker of the Christmas Birdies ($19.99 at etsy.com) uses found golf balls, tees and other stuff to create the birds, suitable for ornaments on a tree or a golf bag. Each one also comes with a poem written by the seller. 

Still, no.

Thanks again for the opportunity to tell you what I don’t want for Christmas. Have a great holiday, and please pass on my regards to Mrs. Claus and the elves.

Yours truly,

Fritz.