Good luck buckling that belt or pulling up that zipper today. You are going to need the Jaws of Life to get out of your clothes after upping your calorie intake to a menu fit for a pack of wild African Wildebeests this holiday week.
Personally, I make it a point to bring along an article of clothing that has an elastic waist for those post-holiday breathing exercises, which consist basically of walking down the street to Phil's Ice Cream Shop.
Actually, Butterball makes a pair of stretch paints just for this purpose; the only problem is that a red pointer pops out of your head when you are about to explode.
After this week's Thanksgiving Day feast, you'll be lucky to fit into a Hefty bag. This is about the only way you'll get a date after the mass quantities of food you consumed over the holiday.
Eating during these November and December holidays is a real issue.
Cooking shows on television are loaded with tips and demonstrations, all designed to make you head to your nearest drive-through carotid artery ream-out center, which incidentally has extended hours during the holidays.
The cooking segments on these shows typically follow news of typhoons, drought and the imminent threat of an outer space asteroid projected for a direct hit on New Hampshire, which most viewers couldn't find on a map with a red X marking the spot.
You will be subjected to such tantalizing images as mashed potatoes in the shape of Mount Rushmore, with each president topped with onion rings, chocolate-dipped brownies and batter-fried carrots, for the nose, of course.
And it is not just food that is touted, but those triple lattes with enough whipped cream to insulate your entire house.
Of course, they do come with warnings, like if you have too much of these goodies, you will develop a drawl similar to Paula Dean and start to resemble at least one person on the "Duck Dynasty" show.
Now you will have to balance this with the television shows immediately following the cooking segments, which consist of central-casting-looking physicians advising you to eat more healthy foods or you will develop high cholesterol, high blood pressure and worst of all, start to look like that disgusting fungal toe on television that walks around threatening women and small children.
The recommended healthy foods are easily found in your back yard, things like tree bark and leftover Styrofoam, unprocessed of course.
Blender drinks almost always must have a green nuclear waste hue.
I don't know why healthy drinks must look like something that is leaking out of the bottom of your car.
But I have some friends who took this a little too far. I visited them on their new farm, which they bought in protest.
They don't call themselves vegans or anything like that, but the whole ambiance had the feeling of Woodstock.
Having the pack of dogs urinate on my car tires and being butted in the butt by a couple of goats may have added to the image.
Anyway, we had a wonderful meal of yeast and pond water while perched on top of a fencepost, since they decided to let the wild mustang horses they were training out for a full-scale stampede to get some exercise for the day.
This obviously is one way to go. You won't have to deal with all the dietary issues during the holidays.
So much emphasis is placed on food consumption during these celebratory events.
The only food concern I have during the holidays is developing rickets, which is easily prevented by the tomato juice in a Bloody Mary – or you can add lime to your rum mojito; it's very Thanksgivingish.
More than likely, though, I will see you in the Hefty bag aisle.
-
Nancy Katz has a degree in creative writing and is the author of the book, "Notes from the Beach." She has written the column Around Town for the Cape Gazette for twenty years. Her style is satirical and deals with all aspects of living in a resort area on Delmarva.
